electrical storm

a small hello.

2007-04-13T15:09:00.000+01:00

Well, it's nearly two months since i blogged, so it seems about time for an update. Today is a beautiful day in Glasgow, and it's made even more beautiful because its a friday and the radio is playing happy music. My first week of final term of first year (what a mouthful) is over, and the weekend is here. It has been a particularly hectic week because ive been trying to complete a Russian project to hand in. I finally managed that yesterday, and since then the world has seemed so much more of a friendly place once again.

By the way, just a note while i'm here, but how annoying is this new blogger stuff, its really messed me around! grrr!

So much has happened during this last term that it would seem pointless to try and recall it all. Although it seemed to take ages to go by at the time, when looking back it feels like it lasted only moments. Spending time with friends, writing essays, visiting people around the UK, and involvement in CU (which seems to be taking over my life!) all made it go by very quickly. Of course among all this there is wedding planning, as it is now only a little over three months until the big day. This takes over life in a way inexplicable to anyone who hasnt done it themselves. I would never have thought it could be so absorbing.....if i ever do it again (only kidding alan) i think i'll elope. But im so grateful that we have our families around us, supporting us in everything. I miss alan right now, we're back in Glasgow so seeing each other less than we were when we were at home over easter, and its an unwelcome adjustment to have to make again.

well, i hope you are all doing well, and that life is good. till next time. x

if you can't work...blog!

2007-02-13T20:11:00.000Z

Hi. I'm sitting at my desk in Glasgow, in a bit of a panic it has to be said. I've just realised there is only one month of this term left, and i have so much work to do. Three major deadlines, and no time to meet them in. And besides, even if i DID have the time, i don't have a clue where to start. Oh its going to get ugly. See, if i can't do something, i try and put it off as long as possible, until the last minute preferably, at which point i totally lose my head and end up in bed eating chocolate ice cream with sad music on.

Aside from work paranoia, im doing well. We've started a Christianity Explored course in my halls, and currently have 8 people coming along. Im also still involved in CU, which takes up a lot of time. And me and alan are looking for a flat for the summer, it's all getting real now!

well, im going to go and try to do some russian. Wish me luck. Why on earth did i think it was a good idea to take a language, hmmm? michael and daniel, you have something to answer to!

x

3 days...

2006-12-12T11:27:00.001Z

...till i go back to Newcastle for Christmas. I cant quite believe that the term is over, and i'm going to leave this place for a whole month. The idea of living in a house with only three people where i dont have to remove the hair of random strangers from the plug and lose an outer layer of skin everytime i shower seems, well, odd. I'm also loath to not spend christmas at Hope Church, where me and alan have settled in this last two months. I'm so glad we have found a church that we like and has welcomed us in, big answer to prayer.

But i am really excited about having Christmas in my house, i havent since 2003; 2004 was spent in Kosova, and 2005 in Hull with my grandma. So i am very "jazzed" , to coin a phrase, about decorating the tree, eating lots of good food [mum can do the cooking!],and watching Christmas films. Im also excited to be seeing friends from home, and anna & mike, and even, yes, alan; contrary to popular rumour, we dont get to see all that much of each other up here. But its an improvement on last year, and the year before - 2004-5 was spent thousands of miles apart, 2005-6 only hundreds, and this year, just a couple. Next year, thank goodness, none.

Good things yet to happen before i leave Glasgow on saturday are; a carol service organised by all the christian unions in the city on wednesday night, a christmas dinner with about 14 of the girls on the corridor on thursday night, and a big night out on friday. Just hope the weather calms down before the drive home on saturday, because its like a gale out there at the moment. I seem to be spending the majority of my days drying wet clothes or myself. Anyway, until the next time, hopefully before the 25th, merry christmas! oh no, sorry.... happy "winter holiday"......

"Glasgow, consider yourself embraced"

2006-11-17T15:14:00.000Z

Today is friday, and the end of a very productive week, or so i say so myself. Not in terms of work (for which i have to admit ive done the bare minimum), but with regard to all things otherwise important, yes. This season of super-intense-activity began a week ago, when i decided to get the train home for an impromptu visit to Newcastle; totally unplanned, this was the consequence of my hall's seemingly emptying for this particular 48 hour stretch, and also the realisation that i might as well take advantage of the freedom i currently have to drop everything and go to see my family as and when i please while i have it. Time at home was very relaxing, i spent it with my parents mostly, but also got to meet up with friends who are sorely missed in Glasgow.

I embarked on my return to good old Scotland in the early hours of monday morning, and since then have been embroiled in a manic combination of lectures, christian union stuff, catching up with people, getting the car M.O.T'd with alan's amazing help (it passed, by the way!) and generally managing to feed myself and survive daily doses of Glasgow drenching. The Glasgow weather is truly amazing, and i am learning to love it in all its variety - despite the fact that it has recently cost me a very beloved umbrella which had withstood the worst Newcastle had to offer with regard to mini-hurricanes and gale-force winds quite nicely for many a year. It will be replaced tomorrow, and the battle will re-commence ("Sarah vs the Elements", that is).

But overall, I am feeling very contented. This mainly because thanks to a weekend away I've come back feeling like i can take on life with renewed energy....... although i'll admit that i dont ALWAYS feel this positive, especially when i'm only halfway through my day and am contemplating all the gymnastical feats of being in several places at once that are yet to be performed before bed can welcome me home. This, i am learning, is the life of a student; and as much as i complain, its exciting! i keep being told that it is likely i will never again meet such a range of people, and that i should embrace this ooportunity with all i have. Glasgow, consider yourself embraced.

I am also happy because i think my budget is going to stretch to the end of term, always a good feeling. Hurrah! now ive just got to work out how im going to survive christmas. A hand-to-mouth affair, i do believe. I was reading ecclesiastes the other day, and this struck me; "Don't fight the ways of God.....enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realise that both come from God".

Something wholly unconnected, but that is in my mind at present. I am studying or "reading", as the older generation might say, "Sociology and Anthropology" at University, along with Russian and Eastern Europe. However, it is the first of those subjects that is causing me much thought at the moment. The current module is being taught by the head of our department, and is "Gender and Sexuality". These lectures have covered a wide range of issues enfolded by this heading, from feminism and patriarchy to sexual discrimination, and from there on to heterosexuality, homosexuality, bi-sexuality, transsexualism and transgenderism. Although we encounter at least some of those issues on a daily basis, and are regularly exposed to others via the media, i have found these lectures quite challenging, as much of what is taught squarely conflicts my personal beliefs.

For example. I was in a tutorial the other day (which is basically where the 300 strong class breaks into groups of ten to discuss the content of the lectures in more depth) and the lady leading my group was an absolute feminist. This was to such an extent that she appeared to be condemning any woman who would ever want to get married and have a family, saying that such a person was weak and enabling male domination to continue. Hmmmm, definitely creating an atmosphere where the Christian twenty year old who is getting married in eight months will feel like her opinion will be valued! to be blunt, i found her comments quite insulting. I believe myself to be independent in many things; i have opinions, dreams and a voice of my own. And I definitely have no desire to become a baby-machine, contrary to popular belief - although i do want to have children sometime in the future. But i DO believe that while women (and men, lets be fair now!) should not be discriminated against for their sex (and defining what actually counts as discrimination is a a whole other rats nest), God did create us differently, and with different roles to fulfil, and to fight that is to fight our creator. Which lets face it, is one battle we arent likely to win. In short, I have been repeatedly struck throughout this series of lectures by what a contrast exists between the stance modern society says i should take on issues of gender and sexuality, and what i believe the bible tells me.

For example (again!); my lecture yesterday was on hetero vs homosexuality. In this lecture, i was encouraged to seriously consider the concept that being heterosexual, as the majority of the world's population still owns to be, is not in fact the result of an inherent characteristic - ie, it may not be how we naturally are. My lecturer proposed the idea that the prevailing existence of heterosexuality as the "main choice" of sexuality is nothing to do with how we innately are, and everything to do with how society wants us to be; ie, that the majority of people who are heterosexual are so because that is the sexual orientation proscribed through law, gender ideology, and most importantly, religion. This would suggest that, actually, there is no right or wrong sexual orientation, only more accepted and therefore dominant and less accepted and therefore less dominant sexual norms within society.

However, the bible tells me that God said, "it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him", and shortly after, "man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one" (Genesis 2), and clearly says that God created us to be in relationship male and female, in marriage. This tells me that God created us as innately heterosexual.

But still I find myself in turmoil, as even though i am sure of the beliefs i hold, i am increasingly seen as condemnatory of people who profess a different view of sexuality to myself. I do not like this. The thought that people look at me and think i hate people for their sexuality or consider myself superior is not something i am comfortable with - because i do not hate people, and i don't think i am superior in anyway. But i cannot compromise on my beliefs, because I believe in God, and that means that i ultimately believe in His word, which instructs us on how to live - though it also offers grace, thank God. I guess i just have to keep praying that I will know what to do and say in these situations i am finding myself in. So many people feel that because of the attitude of many christians, God hates people who are homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, whatever; but the plain fact is, God loves people, thats why Jesus died for us. I wish this could be known.

Remember Remember the Fifth of November

2006-11-05T19:10:00.000Z

This weekend has been maybe the most surreal of the term so far. Suz and alan left me on friday to travel to their separate destinations, which has never happened before, and anna was here in Glasgow - which has also never happened before. Unlike weekends past, which have whipped by at break-neck pace, the last few days have felt like a lazy eternity of lie-ins and luxury. I've also spent a lot of money, enjoying doing nice things with anna like going to pizza hut and shopping, both infrequent since i became a student seven weeks ago. But i find myself feeling quite morose as i sit in room, listening to the fire works. I hate goodbyes.

recovery

2006-10-26T10:49:00.000+01:00

i'm better! hurrah. It is amazing to feel like myself again. Just wanted to say :D

2006-10-23T18:14:00.000+01:00

allergy day three. I didn't go into uni today because i was so irritated and sore. It sucks! ive been to the pharmacist, but they sent me to the doctors. Ive got a prescription and been told to stay away from witch hazel, which is what caused it. This means that for the rest of my life i can write down something on the health section of forms that ive always had to leave blank before! here is me, feeling sad with cream on my face.

bleurgh.

2006-10-22T17:58:00.000+01:00

I feel awful. I used a new face wash yesterday and my face swelled up and went all blotchy. However, it went down over the day and by the time i went to bed i felt better. But during the night, it got worse again, and ive had a day of totally discomfort :( the only thing that feels good is ice on my face, so alan and me have been raiding the freezers at halls today. It not being a sunday, i cant even go to the chemist and get anything. BIG SIGH. It could be worse! x

2006-10-19T10:50:00.000+01:00

< that was two and a half years ago!

but to move on! I'm really happy. Tomorrow I will have been in Glasgow five weeks, but it feels like a lifetime. Of course there are good days and bad days, life wouldnt be life without them, but overall I just feel like this is where I belong :D

Last night was especially good, I went to christian union, and then to pizza hut with my hall group. It was just a great time. I really feel like the christian union is going somewhere, there is such a sense of mission and connecting on campus, and of wanting to follow God. And God is so good! And then pizza hut was right in the middle of town, so as it went dark all the lights were up and it was so beautiful. Yep, Glasgow is beautiful. Suz and alicia added to the wonderfullness of it all by dancing to every song that came on - the SAME dance each time, which apparently works to everything - but even that couldnt take away my grin.

I'm in love with Glasgow. And alan. And God. And LIFE! (no particular order!)

2006-10-12T10:26:00.000+01:00

good morning, good afternoon, good evening. I am writing while also playing a vital part in a precarious balancing act involving a bowl of shreddies and glass of orange juice; something i like to call, "extreme blogging".

Last night i was at the Christian Union meeting and also at my hall group, normally held on a thursday evening, but for one time only immediately after C.U. The Christian Union is basically the one time in the week when all christian students who want to can get together to worship, get some biblical teaching, have discussions and hang out (the new phrase for "fellowship"...). There is normally around 100 of us, which, while obviously not the entire christian population on campus, is a TINY proportion of the TWENTY-THOUSAND students (that's under-grad and post-grad) The University of Glasgow has on its books. In fact, its actually only 1/200, which means that from my first year sociology class (in which there are 300 of us) only me and half of one other person would be in attendance, ie, C.U membership is 0.5% of the student population as a whole. And people say that Christianity is the major religion of the UK.

But to move on, C.U was great last night. We discussed grace in small groups - what grace is, what impact it has on us, and how do we show grace in a graceless world. It brought to mind many of the times when i have been shown grace, and reminded me of the times when i have failed to show it. Ouch. Doubly painful to recount when i remember just how blessed i have been on the many occasions when i have been shown grace. I mean, not only does being undeservedly forgiven set you free, but Jesus becomes ever more undeniably real; for how else could another human being act with such love, a love that runs in absolute opposition to the standards of this world, which would sooner see you hung out to dry when you mess up than unconditionally pardon you in love? Thus i conclude, there is no stronger witness than grace.

And then there was hall group. Each first year university residence runs one of these for its own, mine being for cairncross house, which potentially has 250 members, but currently is operating closer to the "10" marker. It was our third meeting, and we continued to work from 1 Peter, which is proving good food for thought - well d'uh, it IS the bible! I'm very much looking forward to next week.

Well, for now i better get going, i have lectures to get to, and a very long day ahead of me. chiao. x

Glasgow3

2006-10-06T15:35:00.000+01:00

Im fed up with the monotony of my titles ("Glasgow", "Glasgow2", "Glasgow3"), but they'll have to do for now, as my mental capacities are wholly engaged in lecture survival. Perhaps when i hit double figures with the Glasgow posts i'll force myself to be slightly more inventive, but until then, repetitive and uniform they shalt be. Sorry.

As i was walking home from lectures today, i was pondering on what my "best bring" to Glasgow has so far proved to be (for the sake of my reputation, can i point out that all other potential topics for deliberation HAD already been exhausted; i am not by nature one who gravitates towards such mundanity :P ). But to continue; my instincts said umbrella, as, akin to the wellies, it provides neccessary protection from the unnatural and frequentious showers that spill over this city like they do over no other. So yes, it is true - my umbrella has become my essential item. Indeed, if someone had been to ask me the infamous, "if your house was on fire, what one thing would you save?" question this morning, as i observed the torrents outside from the warmth of the lecture theatre, i would have needed not one moment for consideration.

Oh my goodness, i've reached new depths on the british-weather-obsession.

On a totally different note, i've volunteered to be one of four representatives for first year sociology and anthropology, which means that if i'm elected I'll be responsible for good communication between the teaching staff and the 300 students on my course for the rest of this year. Depending on how many people volunteer, there will either be an automatic selection, or a class vote. Yikes! not sure quite WHY ive decided to put myself through this, apart from the fact that it seemed like a really good idea at the time; going to meetings and then reporting back to a lecture theatre (of what i'm sure will appear to be millions) doesnt sound like my type of thing - i get incredibly nervous about public speaking. But at the same time, i get such an adrenaline rush out of it. And (to continue positively) not only will it look good on my CV, but i'll get all the information before everyone else does. HA!

Right, well i better get going. I have notes to condense down, neighbours to watch, tea to eat, the union to go to, and then from midnight till 3.30am i'm giving out cake and toasties to people after their big nights out with the christian union. Will then hopefully snatch a few hours sleep before getting the bus home to my beloved NEWCASTLE! x

Glasgow 2

2006-10-04T11:46:00.000+01:00

Well hellooo. It's approaching midday,
and i'm still not up. It's fantastic. Today, being wednesday, is basically empty - my lectures being crammed into monday, tuesday, thursday and friday, or so i have discovered. I like this set-up! me and suz didnt even get out of bed till about half an hour ago...sooo nice compared to the early starts we've been having - well ok, SUZ is the one with the 9am lectures, but i get up when she does, honest....

So what do you think of the wellies? i saw them as a suitable investment in scottish life, given that the rain here is like no other...if anyone is a bill bailey fan, or is attached to one, you may well remember him talking at some point about rain taking on a more, well, apocalyptic mantle? I would suggest that a weekend in Glasgow was the true inspiration behind this comic masterpiece. I wore these wellies pretty much solidly for the day or so following purchase, until they got stuck on my feet, at which point they became a little less loved. Kari, leana and helena actually had to remove them from my feet, as seen here ------->

Anyway, time for something a little more philosophical. Having been in Glasgow for nearly three weeks now, it seems as good a time as any to review what has happened in the story so far. So, what HAS happened? i've met countless new people, stayed up ridiculously late, been forced out into the rain for at least five unneccessary fire alarms (some drills, others cases of over-enthusiastic but under-skilled first year chefs), begun to study sociology, anthropology, russian language, and eastern and central european studies, been to four new churches, used glasgow public transport, walked lots, dressed up as a school girl, accompanied people to accident and emergency and the local doctors, cooked lots, joined the christian union....the list goes on.

But most importantly (and yes people, here comes the cheese), i've started the next chapter of my life. I have been waiting such a long time to get here; two years, in fact. Left school june 2004, went to kosova october 2004, returned to the UK april 2005, declined my place at Sheffield Uni june 2005, got engaged to Alan july 2005, watched everyone leave for uni/start college/go to far off places october 2005, worked two cruddy jobs december 2005 - september 2006.....and now i am HERE! at last. Before i came to uni, i wondered whether i would feel older than a lot of people here, many of whom are still 17 or newly 18. As it turns out, i'm rarely conscious of the difference (does that reflect on their maturity, or my lack of it?!), but occasionally someone will comment on getting their A level results this summer gone, and i realise what a long road i have been on in comparison.

But - and heres the amazing thing - it was all in God's hands. So many times throughout the last twenty-four months i have been unbelievably angry with God, with people around me, but most of all with myself, as i have struggled to understand my life and what has been happening in it. But i can say now that God knew it all, every single step. When i was fifteen, someone gave me the word of proverbs 16:9, which is

"a person can make plans, but the Lord determines their steps".

At the time, this seemed very general, and i didnt really take notice - afterall, it could be applied to us all. But over the last five years, i have been reminded again and again of this verse - and that the path and events of my life are never coincidental. It says in psalm 139,

"you saw me before i was born, every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed".

So to conclude. Ive reached a very exciting point in my life! I've moved away from home, from everything i know, to build a new life, in a new place, with new people, in a new church. And it's not just my life, it's our life - me and alan have less than ten months now until we get married. That is INCREDIBLE, and exciting, and petrifying, and amazing. Rubbish adjectives. But the challenge for this year is to grow, in everything that we do, in preparation for our future. We need God more than ever before!

Man, that came a long way from wellies....

glasgow....

2006-09-19T21:14:00.000+01:00

Given that i havent blogged in over a month, i dont really expect anyone to still be reading. However, for my own sake i wanted to blog, because there's been a lot going on these last few days,and i want a record. Daniel once said to me reading blogs is like reading someone elses diary; if that be the case, welcome to my diary.

On friday, so five days ago, i left newcastle and moved to Glasgow to start uni. I can't believe it has only been a matter of days, i feel like i have been here years. I've met so many new people - the hall im staying in is fantastic, and ive also had to go to some introductions for my course at the campus, so have met people there too. Im sharing a room with the lovely suz, which has given me what i feel is a fab balance of having a familiar face within a crowd of new ones.

Our first three nights (and early mornings...) were spent at the GUU (Glasgow University Union), which is comprised of ten bars and a club called "The Hive". Much dancing and hilarity was had by all, although like suz i did get to a point where i felt uncomfortable some aspects of the evening. We then spent our fourth evening at the other union (The Queen Margaret Union), which of the two is better known for hosting live acts - we went to see "The Automatic", hopeful of a good night out, but apart from "Monster" they sucked. However it was not an entirely wasted evening, as it confirmed what i'd suspected - that i much prefer the GUU, and will probably be taking up membership there.

There's not much else to say at the moment, except that we're having a great time, and i feel like i have come home. Its taken me two years to get here, and as of being five days in, i havent felt like ive been in such a right place in a very long time. Thats not to say there havent been slightly low moments - of course i miss alan, and its challenging to be dropped in the deep end. But God is good to me, and i know i am in His arms. I'll update soon :)

2006-07-04T13:23:00.000+01:00

I haven't blogged in such a long time. At first i was just busy, but then it was like "oh i can't be bothered to try and write down anything that's going on", and so it's taken till today, when i really have NOTHING else to do, for me to start again. So now I'm trying to think what's happened in the last couple of weeks. Well, firstly alan came home for the summer. That seems such a long time ago! it feels like he's never been away now, and i think i'd go crazy if he disappeared off again - all it takes is him being home for a long weekend for me to lose all capability for long-distance. I've also turned twenty, which in some ways was a bit of a non-event. I mean, i had a really nice day, but didnt do much for it - me,mum,dad,tim and alan went out for a meal in the evening. It didnt matter, cos twenty is hardly a "big" birthday like 18, or 21, and besides, a lot of the people i would have liked to spend it with were away or busy. Anna and Mike couldn't be up, Daniel was in San Fransisco, and Suz had phil up for the weekend. SO all in all, it was a fine day. Though I couldnt help remembering back to the year before, when i turned 19. A group of us were in dublin to see U2 play the vertigo tour at the time, and it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. We saw them at croke park in the open air - i had the stars above me, U2 in front of me, 80,000 people behind me, and alan by my side - he was only just back from india. I remember thinking life couldnt get much better.

Since then, i've just been working lots. And i've lost my voice, totally. This is the third day of whispering, and im heartily sick of it now. perhaps thats why im blogging again, because its a way of communicating other than talking? anyway. im done for now. im going to go and write some letters, and then hang out with my grandparents who are up for the week from bristol.

i wish life could be simple.

wa-hay!

2006-06-15T19:04:00.000+01:00

Many good things have happened this week. Last weekend i spent 23.5 hours in glasgow with alan, which, while brief, was lush, and i couldnt have coped without it - we'd been apart two weeks by then, and if i'd not gone to stay it would have been another week again until we saw each other, which is just way too long! I then came home and had anna staying with me for four days, which was also amazing - the time i have with anna and mike always seems to go too quickly, while the time apart drags horrendously. She left this morning to go home to norfolk for the summer, i can't believe they've finished first year already, it's crazy.

But we did some great things while anna was up; we went looking at wedding dresses, though none were tried on, we designed several possible wedding invitations, and we also went to an early morning prayer meeting at "dimension", essentially a youth church project in whitley bay, my town. I've heard a lot about this meeting, i get invited every month, but i've never gone before now, essentially cos i've never been able to bring myself to sleep-sacrifice. But this week we went, and it was great, though as i'd been warned to expect, attendance was minimal - apparently a lot of the time only the guy who heads up the whole project and one other guy turn up, which is such a shame considering what we're praying about - the youth of our town - and even more so when you consider that it's open to EVERY CHRISTIAN IN THE AREA. Yikes. I've committed to going every month now till i leave for glasgow, and i dont say that with any pride - if anything im ashamed i didnt do this earlier.

So yeah things are good here, and especially minty considering alan is coming home on saturday for the summer :D i have to go to work now, but enjoy your evenings everyone! x

Eternity Church

2006-06-09T10:44:00.000+01:00

This is our church building in Kosova, known only as "astrit and driton's church" while we were in Gjakove (after the pastors), but recently named "Eternity Church". It's a rented house, there's four floors; one underground, two you can see, and one that's some kind of fabled midget roof space that no one ever went in. The people on the steps in the photograph are me and anna, as far as i can remember we were turning up late for something. That would be normal.

The ground floor was where we met for prayer meetings, but we also where we just hung out - there's a little kitchen, and some amazingly bright red sofas. We used to meet there on sunday nights to watch this soap called "familje moderne" ("modern family", as if that needed translating. It was about this strange group of people who lived in Prishtina, the "capital" of kosova). Anyway! Upstairs was where we had our service. The room was really plain, it just had chairs, a wood burner and the drum kit, prized possession of Visar and Nullti. But it became home.

The thing about church was, there was always someone there - it's not like so many of our churches in the UK where everyone turns up for the sunday service after which the doors are locked until a mid-week meeting. Nearly the entire congregation (which ok, was only about 30 at maximum, but still) went through the building every day, and in our cases it was usually several times a day! It was the hub of everything that was going on, which i suppose in an ideal world would be what all our churches are like, but in our culture and with our lifestyles that just doesnt seem to be possible. A huge number of people who came to astrit and driton's lived in the nearby streets, and it was just natural to pop round - the church were each others best friends, they worked together (there was a big ministry to surrounding villages like hereq, drenica and krushe e madhe, where we worked too), worshipped together, hung out together - sure, people argued sometimes, but it was a very close-knit group, more like a family than any other church ive been in. I remember one week when for some reason we hadnt been in church for about five days and it was like "woah, whats going on!".

I miss the fellowship that people have there. When you arrived at church, you greeted EVERYONE - that means shaking everyones hand, asking how everyone is - "a je mire?", anna, mike? - which was kind of embarassing if you turned up late. Although i would find it very hard to go back to kosova for some reasons, i wish i could see the church again, be there again. It's been persecuted a lot recently, broken into several times, and now the guys in the church - which i guess is astrit and driton, patrit and besim - seem to be taking turns to sleep in the building to protect it. Please pray for their safety, and a continuing blessing on them, as they were to us.

2006-06-08T10:55:00.000+01:00

"So...
Everybody's gone to war,
But we don't know what we're fighting for,
Don't tell me it's a worthy cause,
No cause could be so worthy.
If love is a drug, then I guess we're all sober,
If hope is a song then I guess it's all over,
How to have faith, when faith is a crime?
I don't want to die...

If God's on our side, then God is a joker,
Asleep on the job, his children fall over,
Out through the door and straight to the sky,
I don't want to die...!

For every man who wants to rule the world,
There'll be a man who just wants to be free,
What do we learn but what should not be learnt?
Too late to find a cure for this disease"

gner, brighton, and the prodigal son.

2006-06-07T10:54:00.000+01:00

On saturday afternoon i travelled from newcastle to brighton, which was possibly the best journey i've ever had. Unlike my normal experience of gner (ie no one talking until the train breaks down, at which point righteous indignation bonds passengers to the extent that they swop phone numbers and become life-long buddies), i had some great conversations with people. The first of these happened between darlington and peterborough with a south african guy called elvis, who had only been in the UK for 3months and had just visited glasgow for the first time. Thanks to daniel having lived in south africa and alan living in Glasgow we had enough in common to start talking, but pretty quickly progressed past that and onto discussing the british culture (he said so many things that perhaps deserve a whole post of their own) and Jesus, thanks to discovering his dad talking was a pastor in johannesburg. He told me he was a christian but he didnt go to church very often, especially now he's in the UK, and had a lot of fights with his dad about it. So yeah, i had a chance to talk about my faith, and it was really cool - i was quite sad when he left after two hours, although i think everyone around us who'd had to put up with two hours of loud discussion about the aids epidemic, homosexuality in the british church and jesus weren't nearly so gutted.

Next up was an indian family who were travelling europe, and a couple, the guy who was from mexico and the woman who was from canada. We were all sitting around one of the table sections, and conversation just started up. We chatted about alan having been in india, the work the canadian lady did for charity, and the multiple languages the mexican dude spoke. I didnt get to talk to them about jesus, but it was great to find more people to talk to. But the best talk of the day was yet to come, and happened on thameslink station just outside kings cross. I was sitting waiting for my connection to Brighton (and as usual everyone was just sitting there in silence), when this girl about my age just started marching up and down the platform talking REALLY loudly about jesus on her mobile. My ears pricked up straight away, and pretty soon i was praying so hard she'd get off the phone before either of our trains came, cos i just wanted to chat to her so much! amazingly, she came and sat next to me, and i had the chance to. Her name was vanessa, she'd been talking to a friend about how as christians do we say that without jesus you are destined to life without God - ie hell. She said, and i agree, that it is probably the most unpopular message you can give to anyone - its offensive, it injures peoples pride, it makes christians sound self-righteous - its just NOT what anyone who doesnt believe wants to hear. And she said it didnt fit with the "compassionate jesus" she believed in - she said she wanted to believe everyone would go to heaven, including people of different religions - some of her family are muslim. So we were just starting to talk about God's justice and holiness (which cant abide sin) overriding even His compassion when our trains came. It was such a shame i didnt get to talk to her more, but i was really inspired by that five minutes - there ARE people all over the UK and the world who are passionate about Jesus and sharing the good news in our society here and now, and they arent all over 80 (although they can be!).

Anyway, i finally arrived at Brighton and was met by mike (as in kosova mike) who i hadnt seen since march, very exciting! big hugs all round. We had a really fab weekend, if it can be called that - i arrived 11pm on saturday night and left 6am on monday morning! we spent sunday on the beach, how gorgeous was that? aside from the fact that it was a pebbly beach and not a sandy beach it TOTALLY put our northern coastline to shame. Except for the fact that i burnt, which hasnt happened for years - chuh! see guys, you go south and look what happens? they give you skin cancer. Sunday evening we went to The Church of Christ the King, an evening congregation of hundreds of students who meet in a done-up old warehouse. It was a great service, the guy preaching spoke on 1peter, about unity and being brothers to each other (or sisters). So yeah, that pretty much rounds up my brief but lovely stay on the south coast.

Since arriving home, i've worked a lot, which is where i am headed next - got forty minutes from now to transform myself into a decent looking human being and arrive in the shop, which is no mean feat when you consider im still sat in my dressing gown looking like goodness knows what. Shock horror, it's 11:30! but just before i go, two more things. First off, the parable of the lost son - or prodigal son, which i like better. I read it yesterday at work and it blew me away. It's one of those stories that if you're a christian you'll have heard a thousand times over, but it hit me again today. If you dont know the story - basically, this guy asks his dad for all the money he would get when his dad died, and then leaves home and wastes it all on prostitutes and gambling and whatever. He ends up with no money, starving, and really depressed. After a long time of this rubbishy life, he decides he's gonna go back home to his dad and beg to be allowed to work for him - he wont ask to be treated like a son after what he's done, but he figures even the people his dad employs have a better life than he does now. So home he goes, anxious, ashamed, and not expecting much. But his dad is over joyed to see him back, throws a MASSIVE party, and generally just tells his son how much he loves him and wants him back. This story was told by jesus to show how much God rejoices when someone comes back to him - we are the son, and God is the father.

SO! i read this story again. And i realised something; when the son says to himself, "i will go home to my father and say "father, i've sinned against you and against heaven, and i know im no longer worthy to be called your son, please just hire me to work for you" that that is EXACTLY what i do when i fail God. I say to myself, "well, ive really messed it up this time, i just dont deserve God to love me anymore, and i wont ask Him for much again - i'll settle for him just kind of tolerating me". And thats SO wrong! cos like jesus explains through the story, God is just LONGING to have me back, to have me come home - it says in the parable that the father "saw his son while he was a long way off" - God see's me as soon as i recognise im in the wrong and start to turn back to him! it says the father was "Filled with love and compassion" - God loves me and cares about me! And best of all, the story says the father "RAN to his son, EMBRACED him and KISSED him". This is what we can expect from our Father in heaven when we return to him. Hallelujah! im repenting of my attitude that i'll come back and be only a hired servant. When i became a christian it was based on nothing i'd done, only on God's grace. And now as a christian, God's forigveness to me which i still need in my life is ALSO not based on anything ive done - it's His grace.

The last thing - and ive REALLY got to go - is that last night at work i asked steve, who i think i might have mentioned, to come to church :D i pray he comes!

The Challenge

2006-06-02T10:06:00.000+01:00

Word4U bible notes, 02/06/2006;

"if we take His word and don't act upon it, it's as useless as a PhD in air guitar. In fact it's worse because we can become judgemental and very proud. By taking a scripture we know from the bible and applying it to our lives, living the experience, the Word comes alive"

From the book of James:

"do not deceive yourself by just listening to His word. Instead, put it into practise". 1:22
"faith that doesnt show itself by good deeds is no faith at all - it is dead and useless" 3:17

I recommit myself to God, and challenge myself to no longer claim a message my life doesn't prove.

....the Wedding!

2006-06-01T10:20:00.000+01:00

After nearly a week since my last post, i'm back with an update. The reason i've been so delayed is that i 've spent most of this week recovering from the weekend...having never flown anywhere of any distance, i can't claim to be an expert on jetlag, but i'd nearly argue that a weekend in london is a more than sufficient cause - and yes, i now fully expect all you long-haul people to be outraged and tell me i have no idea :)

The weekend overall went really well. Like alan has said (i think), we didnt arrive at the hotel on friday night till after 1am because of a delayed flight, so we had very little opportunity to grab some shut-eye before the next day hit us - the wedding day. Everyone had breakfast together in the hotel, where some sleepy introductions were made, after which we either had to occupy ourselves for the day or help out with preparations, the ceremony not kicking off till 5pm. While Alan and Tim & Sam and Tom (my cousins) immediatley set up camp in my room (quickly proceeding to turn it into a gambling den) with the complimentary minibar, I was left to run around doing jobs for my two aunties (one the bride, one not) and my grandma...equality i think not!

But then we hit the later part of the afternoon, and everybody started retiring to their rooms to get showered and dressed up....everybody but alan, i should say, who decided this was the opportune moment to hang out with ben, a friend from his gap year in India who lived fairly nearby, in the hotel's bar! To be fair, he had everything in hand, and it was great to see ben again (although i hardly stopped in the bar for more than a few minutes before running out again) - but at the time i was like "WHAT is he doing?!?!? there's no time!". Let's just say me and alan have very different attitudes to timing; mine is along the lines of "timing happens to me", whereas alan's is "I happen to timing".

With regards to the ceremony, it went exactly as they wanted, and their love for each other was very evident; yet like alan said on his blog, we were very aware of an unmistakeable "god-gap", it being a civil ceremony. The lady who was conducting the legalities even had to leave when they were lighting a candle to symbolise the joining of their two families because it "might be seen to have religious connotations"...oh dear. So yeah, even though it was fantastic to be there, I missed the worship and prayers that i 'm so used to being a huge part of weddings.

The reception was held on a boat; about a hundred of trish and david's family and friends going up and down the themes with alcohol, the compulsory dj, and much dancing. A recipe for disaster you may think, but in fact no, it was a great night, alan's air-guitar prompting much speculation as to how much he had drunk, and even more concern when it was revealed that he was in fact sober...i enjoyed myself a lot. The night drew to a close somewhere between midnight and 4am depending on who you were..... one of their friends somehow ended up sleeping in the hotel library, even though he wasnt even booked in as a guest. Anyway, to rap it up, we had a great time, and i wish them all the best.

As we were leaving on sunday, the most common farewell was, "it'll be yours next!"......

the night before...

2006-05-26T15:55:00.000+01:00

....the wedding! (not mine!). If you read alan's blog, you will have undoubtedly heard that we're going with my mum & dad and tim to london this weekend for my aunty's wedding. We've been looking forward to it for a long time, for so many reasons - like alan said, we havent seen each other for two weeks, plus london's lush, plus it's a wedding, plus its a FAMILY wedding - and, perhaps most intriguing of all, i get to introduce alan to all the members of my family who, because of our pig-headedness in living up north, have not yet managed to meet him. Eeeeee!!!

We used to see more of them - i mean, for the ten years when i was between the ages of six and sixteen, my mum's side of the family used to go camping in herefordshire (where my mum grew up) for at least a week every summer holidays. That was, my mum's parents, mum, dad, me and tim, my mum's middle sister and her two kids, and my mum's youngest sister, who is getting married this weekend. Other people would come sometimes, but we were the ten who always went. But once me and sam (my cousin) turned 16, we stopped wanting to go, and so for the last couple of years there have been very few family reunions. So i am REALLY excited!

anyway, got to go, i'll tell you all about it when i get back :D

UK Anniversary

2006-05-25T10:58:00.000+01:00

Today it's exactly one year since anna and mike flew home from Kosova
(i'd had to leave a month earlier). So we've now had a whole year at home in the UK, and we're still talking! I wanted to dedicate this post to them, and to the time we had together in Gjakove.

The photo on the left was taken on my last night in Kosova from outside my church, and i love it. If you look in the middle, you can see how the sunlight was hitting off the mountains in the background, just outside of the town - it was beautiful, and i miss it so much. Our friends diana, adelina and spendi and philoretta live in the houses on the right next to the yellow car, and behind the blue fence on the left is the local school where we gave out shoeboxes one time. Obviously the three people on the right are mike, me and anna, that shot was taken by a river which had frozen over during the -28 spell on our way back from a village called Krushe e Madhe, probably in february (2005).

I thought i'd write a lot more, but i'm feeling all choked up, I just read back on my diaries from Kosova, which i haven't done in months. Sometimes i want to burn them because of the pain that they can bring, it leaps out of the pages like a wound opening up - but i cant, because there are also some amazing things written there, which i would not lose. My experiences in Kosova are part of me now, the good and the bad. But i guess that today, if anything, is about remembering that a whole year has gone by since any of us were there, and that the future is now.

Battle of the blogs!

2006-05-24T15:19:00.000+01:00

When i left for work a few hours ago i said i might add more later, so on one hand i'm not surprised to be back here. However, thanks to alan's comment on my post, i'm now about to veer violently away from what i originally intended to write, and become involved in what can only be described as a battle of the blogs! for those of you who are caught in the cross-fire, all i can do is apologise and explain that i havent seen him to debate any thing for the last ten days, so we're getting a little competitive. Red means an alan comment;

I don't believe that God would put the fate of a person (or any matter which we would pray about) into the hands of humans
I agree with that, of course God doesnt rely on us to get our prayers right for people to live or die, or for wars to cease or anything else you can think of. He doesnt need us at all, He only chooses to let us be involved in His plan. This is was mentioned at our church on sunday, when Stan commented on the feeding of the five thousand. He said people always get hung up on the fact that Jesus fed so many people with the very little that the boy gave him - but what we should be excited about is the fact that he could have done it without anything it all. However.....

I don't think anything happens because we prayed XYZ amount for it, but only that Almighty God saw fit to bless a certain situation.
I agree that it is always because of God's blessing and grace that any prayer is answered. But i disagree that "nothing happens because we prayed XYZ amount for it". Of course Im not arguing that if we pray a set number of prayers God will sigh and go "ok then, have it your way" - that would be both crass and ridiculous, making God out to be some kind of machine. But i do believe that things CAN happen "because we prayed XYZ amount for it". In short, I believe our prayers can change the heart of God - and oh no, i've just had a horrible premonition that we're going to get into predestination and the will of God and that excruciating bucket of fish - i can see what tomorrow's post will be on! i think i should stop trying to write interesting and provoking posts and just concentrate on informing you all what i had for tea! But to carry on while i still can - there is plenty of evidence in the bible that our prayers can change God's heart. We are not only told "God honors persistence in prayer" in Matthew 7, and that "the earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results" in james 5, but actually given examples of where this happened; in Genesis 18, when Abraham interceded over and over again for Sodom, it says that God didn't destroy the city as He had said He would, and in Exodus 32 it's written that because of Moses praying for Israel, "the LORD relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened". So don't tell me that our prayers can't move the heart of God! Yes, it's God's grace and blessing, we cant earn it or force His hand, but i believe that when we persistently come to Him and say "Lord, you are the only one who can change this, we trust you, we love you, we want to see you glorified, please don't let this happen", God will sometimes choose to move because of that.

I believe God can and will heal a person of cancer. I believe it is right to pray for that person to be healed of cancer. I don't think the two are linked though.
I guess you're saying the reason it is "right" to pray about such things is not so we will get the answer we want, but so we will be drawn closer to God, and therefore begin to see HIS will and not our own for the situation? of course i agree that that is a major part of prayer - that more often than not it IS us and not the situation that is changed when we pray, and it is in that way that God does answer - ie, He uses our prayers to bring us to Himself, to know Him more, so that we will gain strength in Him and be able to face the "no" that sometimes comes. BUT - like i've said, i believe that our prayers CAN bring about changes that are beyond just growth in us - believing that that is all prayer "does" is not enough for me (sorry to sound so grasping there, i hope you get me). There are millions of examples in the new testament where people prayed and God moved, what about paul - he prayed over and over for the young churches in a way that shows he obviously expected more than just his own heart to be changed (colossians 1: "since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding"). If it wasnt possible that our prayers could move God to answer, surely we could just praise and worship, because that would bring us closer to God in the way you seem to be saying asking Him for help does, and then we could just quit with the asking.

God must be given all glory in our prayers, and we must never fall into the trap of thinking that because we utter a few words of prayer that we possess God's power to heal
the fact that the glory isnt ours if someone we prayed for gets healed doesnt invalidate the idea that our prayers can touch God's heart (like we saw they did with moses and abraham). Of course the glory is God's! but i dont think that means we have to go around saying "our prayers have no power, they dont have any effect in the heavens". I think it is possible to aknowledge that by prayer we can move God to act without detracting any glory from Him. I do not claim that my prayers can manipulate God, or that i can control Him, but i can praise Him that when i cry to Him, his love, mercy and compassion can be stirred, and He can move to answer me - surely that gives even MORE glory to God, because it recognises him as more than a cold and immoveable deity? If anyone worries that by saying prayers can move God they make Him look weaker, well look at the whole of the message of Christ - he became weak and human and died that we could be reconciled God. The message of our God is not that He is untouchable.

However! having said all that, i want to finish by saying this. As much as i believe that our prayers can move God's heart and that He can act because of it, i do not believe that His compassion for us ever overrides His purpose or His justice. God's love can have a broader, deeper, longer work to do than we can always see when we pray, and sometimes what we pray for simply cannot find a place within that work. That is why we have to pray "thy will be done", as jesus did in the garden.

So to end; this morning i asked the question, "how do we pray "thy will be done" but also totally believe that the prayer will be answered?", which is what promtped all of this. I can now say that i dont think praying "thy will be done" means i need to have any less faith in God to answer my prayer. It just means that whatever happens with that specific prayer - whether i get the answer i want or not - i am putting my faith in who it belongs.

Having faith in the answers

2006-05-24T10:51:00.000+01:00

Like i said yesterday, i've been thinking about prayer again. If you read my post from last week, you'll know that i realised two things on friday - 1) i dont praise God enough in my prayers, and 2) it's rare that I have the faith He will answer me when i ask for help - kind of vital parts of prayer! Anyway, given that i quickly went to work on thanking God more for just who He is, by monday my thoughts were hovering around the second issue, for me the harder of the two, which i think can be described as "having faith in the answers".

Sitting in work yesterday, it struck me that i think there are a three of possible mindsets when people - Christians - pray for help from God (ok, im generalising, but go with me).Christians pray because;

1. it's a habitual reflex to problems in life and not because they believe God will answer in any way.
2. they believe God can & does answer prayer - but don't neccessarily believe that will apply to them.
3. they believe God answers prayer and pray knowing He will answer them.

When i look at those possibilities, i feel uncomfortable, because i really dont know where i 'd put myself - or maybe i do know, but just dont want to admit it. As far as the first option goes, that is, praying without expecting God to answer - well that's pointless! it's the same as a non-christian praying, surely. It says in the bible (though once again im showing myself up by not knowing where) that we need to have faith if our prayers are to be answered.

But it is really between the 2nd and 3rd possibilities that i get very stuck, mainly because i get tangled between "the will of God" and "having faith". You see, this is my thinking; if, as in the 2nd scenario i explained above, a christian prays really believing that God DOES answer prayers, but not really convinced that He will answer THEIR prayer, then will God actually answer them? If we decide no, He wouldnt (here's me guessing the mind of God), then that would argue that we need to have absolute faith when we pray, and not doubt that God might not answer us. BUT - when i look at the third scenario, which is that we do pray like that - in "absolute faith" that God will answer our prayer - i cant help but feel that that does not fit with praying in accordance to God's will (which, like praying in faith, is also biblical), because it's nearly like we are trying to tell God what will happen and refusing to accept He may not answer how we are asking Him to.

Did anyone come out of there having a clue what i was talking about? I suppose my question is, how do we pray in line with God's will but also totally believe that the prayer will be answered? For example - imagine someone comes to you and says they want you to pray they will be healed from cancer. My first instinct would be "oh no ,run", im afraid, which probably gives you an insight into which category i stand in - man, i want to have so much more faith!!!!! But anyway - this person comes to you asking you to pray they'll be healed. And you believe that if they are going to be healed, you have to have absolute faith that God will heal them. But at the same time, you know that it may not be God's will, plan, whatever, for that person to be healed - so how can you pray in absolute faith that they WILL be???!!!!! my mind is tying itself in knots. The only conclusion i can come to is that we have to have absolute faith in God's ability to answer, and absolute trust in His will - and, the hardest part of all, to not doubt his ability if He doesnt answer as we want.

Oh man, i'm so annoyed, i have to go to work! that sucks, cos i want to write so much more. I might add later. Any answers or thoughts are welcome :)

psalm 34

2006-05-23T22:36:00.000+01:00

After a very emotional weekend i feel like my feet are, once again, nearly on the ground. Isn't it amazing how many emotions we are capable of as humans? I was quite annoyed that i got so down on saturday, cos i felt like i was taking a step backwards from all the good stuff that had been happening towards the end of the week with regards to me and prayer. But yesterday and today i've been back on the right track again, and i've continued working at it - though i'd be a fool and a liar to try and convince you that i was totally reformed, i can say that already just taking out the time in my day to praise God more has made such a difference to my relationship with Him. Alright, so i didnt manage it on saturday, and i guess thats the challenge - to praise God even when i feel like something thats been scraped off the pavement. But reading psalm 34 yesterday in work i was like WOW! this is what i read;

"i will praise the Lord at all times, I will constantly speak His praises. I will boast only in the Lord. let all those who are discouraged take heart...i prayed to the Lord and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to Him will be radiant with joy, no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord and in my suffering and He heard me......taste and see that the Lord is good - oh the joys of those who trust in Him! Let the lord's people show him reverence for those who honour him will have all they need"

It was like that psalm was my own, like they were my words. And i couldnt stop praising God! i was praying and praying that a customer wouldnt come in, cos if they had i would have probably freaked them out no end - can you imagine, "that'll be £ 9.90 please, PRAISE YOU LORD!!!". Anyway! i carried on reading my bible (if only "Thresher" knew that this is what they pay me £5.10/hr to do...) and now i have a load more thoughts on prayer which i'll be posting tomorrow. But for now, i have to go to bed, i'm tired out, been working too much. Last day in tomorrow, then i've got four days off for the wedding - magic. And alan's nearly home!

rock-a-bye baby....

2006-05-21T19:11:00.000+01:00

Tonight as i get ready to go out to work, i am struck by how easy life was when i was small. And yes, before i go on, that rather fabulous looking infant in blue, is infact me. I used to think it was tim, but i've been corrected! (i wish they'd left me in the dark..).

When we were small, by which i mean at least under five, there was nothing that someone couldnt put a plaster on and cuddle away. When i've voiced these occasional yearnings to return to pre-school age in the past, people have always given me lectures on the wonders of independence, "adult" life, and belittled those days when the loss of a favourite blanket was just about the worst thing that could happen to you. And i suppose they are right - there ARE things about being a grown-up (hang on, who am i kidding, i'm still fiercely hanging onto my teenage status for another month) that way out-do being a toddler. But today at church, i felt like i was breaking my heart, and just wanted to be held by someone. You know when people hold tiny screaming children and do that funny slowly-moving-from-one-foot-to-the-other dance while saying meaningless comforting phrases like "it's alright, it's alright, don't cry,don't cry"? well that's what i wanted today.

Self-image

2006-05-20T20:40:00.000+01:00

im currently wrapped up in my duvet and sitting at the computer feeling lousy. The reason for this melodramatic behaviour is that today was the fourth occasion on which i unsuccessfully trawled the shops of newcastle for something to wear to my aunty's wedding, now exactly one week away. And, as usual, the whole experience has thrown me into a state of misery! i've never been a dressy-up kind of girl, partly cos i've always spent money on other things, but mainly cos i have the self-confidence of a shrew and like to hide away in jeans and jumpers. I've always wanted to wear other things, but i hate the way i look in them, so hoody's have been my lot for many a year. Anyway - having heard that, you can probably understand how when it comes to having to wear (as a family wedding negates) a dress or some such other equivalent, i don't exactly rejoice. The day was spent trudging from shop to shop, trying on more and more outfits that made me feel ugly and unattractive to the point of nearly crying in starbucks - yep, that bad!

And now im home, still feeling rubbish, and wondering why i'm writing this on a blog for the whole world to read, because it's part of me i don't usually share with anyone, let alone whoever cares to follow a link. But somehow it's theraputic to write, because otherwise these things just stay inside - and anyway, it's not like i'm talking to anyone, is it?

I realised today (while on the shopping trip from hell) that i've felt like this since i was 13 years old, and i'm twenty next month. I always thought it was something i would grow out of back then - that some day all the things that made me feel ugly would change. But although seven years on i've got better at dealing with it, the feelings are just as raw inside, and there's not a day goes by when at one point or another i dont wish i was someone else.To those of you who are reading this and thinking "get a grip, be thankful for all you have" - i know. I am so aware of how blessed i am - i have two arms and two legs, i have perfect vision and hearing, i have no disabilities, i'm not sick. And when i look around me and around the world at people who live in real pain and real suffering, i feel so guilty that i feel how i do - someone once said that poor self-esteem is a complaint of only the world's most fortunate. But nevertheless, the insecurity i feel is both very real and crippling. And the scary thing is, i know so many other people - girls more than guys, though i'm not saying guys cant suffer from low self-esteem - who feel the same.

I wonder where it started? people often blame the media for creating these feelings of inadequacy, and i understand why - you cant turn on the television without seeing beautiful people, turn on the radio without hearing adverts for cosmetic surgery, walk through a shop without seeing stick-thin manequins, open a magazine without seeing pictures of unfortunate celebrities who've been snapped taking a swim and had their cellulite ringed in red pen, or watch a film without being told that it's the people with perfect bodies who are happy.And then there's the age old human habit of comparing ourselves to the people around us - i freely confess that i often look at people and think, "if i was them i'd feel great about myself, they have no idea how lucky they are and what its like to feel this horrible". But really, how do i know how they feel inside? i remember being totally shocked in high school when a girl who i had always considered to be really beautiful and thought must feel great about herself turned out to be anorexic.

Of all of this i am ashamed, and wish i could change. I've tried praying about it, and i know people always say that it's how God see's us that counts, and we're beautiful to Him, but i'm sorry to say that that isnt the world we live in. We live in a world where people DO say cruel things, where there IS pressure to be a barbie doll, where we DO laugh at people for their flaws, where people DO become anorexic, bulimic, self-harm and even sometimes take their own lives because they can't live with the feelings of inadequacy any longer. And it scares me to death. All i can do on days like today is remind myself of His love for me, and praise God for all he has given me.

Come now, Lord Jesus.

prayer

2006-05-19T17:29:00.000+01:00

Over recent weeks in general and today in particular, prayer has been very much at the forefront of my mind. This started at the beginning of the month, when anna told me she and her friends in sheffield have recently re-committed themselves to intercessing in a big way. So yeah - since then ive been thinking about how, what, when, where and why i pray. This is what i realised;

1) i dont give enough time to praying - maybe fifteen minutes a day + then a few arrow prayers

2) i pray at bad times, like last thing at night when im tired

3) when i pray i dont praise God enough, i just ask and then stop

4) when i pray i talk far more than i listen

5) i sometimes pray just to appease my guilt about not having prayed

In comparison, this is what i realised about my time with alan;

1) when he's at college, we talk on the phone for at least an hour every day, and we email, text and write letters. When he's at home we spend the majority of our time together.

2) i dont leave spending time with him till the end of the day when im at my worst.

3) we dont just communicate to pass on demands - on the contrary, most of our conversation is about our love and our future

4) it's two way - we both talk and we both listen.

5) it's never a chore to spend time with him.

By this point i was horrified - not only (as if this wasnt bad enough) that my relationship with God can now at best be described as second place to my relationship with most obviously alan, but also with other friends, but also that it had taken me so long to realise this. Ive known as long as i can remember that Jesus should be my first love, but He evidently isnt.

Now feeling very discouraged, i decided to focus not on my failings, but on what prayer SHOULD be. And i came to the conclusion that it's a combination of praising God for who He is and what He has done, and asking for help - whether that's guidance, forgiveness, or whatever. The two go hand in hand, in the same way they do in any relationship. So then i tried to work out WHY i was finding this so hard - Why am i happy to spend all day with alan but find it hard to give God fifteen minutes? Why do i give God the worst part of my day, where it doesnt involve any sacrifice? Why are my prayers clinical demands and not out-pourings of love? why do i say my bit and then get up and go without waiting for an answer? why is it sometimes only out of duty that i pray at all? And I came to the conclusion that there are two main reasons my prayer-life has been dying a death - they are;

1. I've practically cut the praise out of my prayers, and

2. When it comes to asking God for help, i don't actually pray in faith that He'll answer

Which means that neither aspect of my prayers is on track. And it's a vicious circle - i don't believe God will answer my prayers, so i find it hard to praise him and invest time praying. But then it's BECAUSE i don't praise and don't invest time in praying that my prayers arent answered!

SO - where do i go from here? above anything else, i have resolved to start praising God more. A lot more. And im going to (here's a surprise!) - PRAY - that He'll give me a passion for His name. I need to work on my love relationship with God before i start asking Him for things.

Having said all that, God is still faithful even when i am not, and just in the last few days when i've been realising these things and trying to change i've seen prayers start to be answered. I've been praying that suzanne would get a temporary job with as many hours as possible for the next 2months so she can earn money for colombia, and today she did! and even MORE excitingly (sorry suz! :P) God is doing AMAZING things at my work - i've had fantastic conversations with both my boss, stu, (a self-confessed "cynic of all religion") and another guy i work with, steven, (ex-catholic, "i'm searching") this week. I've been able to talk about jesus with both of them, and i'm going to invite steven to church sometime next week.

This is what i read today about prayer;

"God does not ignore our prayers" pslam 9:12

"Our prayers bring us into God's presence" Psalm 145:18

"God honors persistent prayer" matthew 7:7

For so long i've wanted more of God's presence in my life - why has it taken me so long to realise that the answer is simple? if i want to be in God's presence i need to take time out to spend with Him in prayer. And how can i expect God to take me seriously if i pray about something once for five minutes and then give up? If i want prayers answered i have to be prepared to cry out for answers for as long as it takes.

to close, i read this today in ephesians 1:19

"i pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of his power for us who believe in Him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead"

If this is the power that can be released through us when we pray, count me in!

Domesticated bliss

2006-05-18T13:33:00.000+01:00

Today i find myself feeling very content, quite a contrast to the emotional turmoil of yesterday. It was just one of those days, but i'm happy to say that today has been so much better! After getting up I wandered downstairs did what i usually do these days - tidied up the debris my family have left behind them as they scurry out to work and school. Which i suppose is actually just school, given that both my parents are teachers. This meant washing up, emptying the dishwasher, putting on a load of washing, hanging out the load that mum put on at 7am, and doing some ironing. And then i headed out into the garden, where i spent two hours weeding out the patio...i'm quite scared by this!! i have absolutely no prior record of being a garden freak, and have resisted any attempts made in the past to induce me into such behaviour, even when bribes have been proffered under my nose.....so why did i voluntarily don gardening gloves and grab a trowel this morning!?!? help! have i somehow mysteriously aged three decades over night? i'll blame the weather, it's beautiful today, enough to make anyone want to be in the garden.

I've just realised that in addition to being content today, i'm actually pretty content full-stop right now. I say this knowing fine well that anyone reading this who see's me regularly will take great pleasure in pointing out to me over at least the next week all those occasions when i both appear and claim to be far from content, but hey, what the heck - what i'm trying to say is, compared to so much of this last year, which has been very dark for me, i now find myself feeling so satisfied by my life - not that everything is by any means perfect, but rather i am finding out more and more that when God is the centre, i can be content no matter what is happening around me. It makes me think of Phillipians 4:12

"I have learned the secret of living in every situation....for i can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need"

By this i dont claim to be living in great physical discomfort, or in need of anything - i don't think many people reading this could. What i mean is, no matter what i'm going through emotionally or spiritually, i can find contentment in Christ. On that note, i'm going to go, because i'm spending too much time blogging and too little time praying.

Ode to alan.

2006-05-17T17:07:00.000+01:00

hey, how're you doing? ive got hardly any time, i seem to have been rushing around like a mad thing all day long. This is partly because as Suz and jenny stayed over at mine last night i didnt get up very early, and have been trying to catch up on myself ever since. But i dont mind, cos last night was really great - we watched "lost", ate chocolate, drank wine, and then chatted until we fell asleep. Now and then it's really good to have time away from the guys... :P

...but then again its not, cos im missing alan so much! i nearly rang him at 1.30am last night, just so i could hear his voice. After a lengthy battle with myself i DID manage to resist, because 1) the girls were round, 2) he was most likely asleep and wouldnt appreciate being woken up, and 3) i need SOME self-control! but yeah, definitely struggling with him being away again. I've finally worked it out after nine months of this "now he's here, now he isnt" existence that how much i miss him when he goes back to glasgow is proportional to how long he is home for - if he's only home for a weekend, i don't let myself get used to him being here, and so cope better when he goes - but when it's nearer a week like this time, the gap left when he leaves for college drives me mad. I feel love-sick, it's terrible. Why do you people read this drivel?! go and do something healthy like eat an apple or go for a run!

Anyway, i'm off to big band now (see the link!) after a day of working at the shop and cleaning the house. This will involve lugging a tenor saxophone down my street to catch a bus five miles across town - it's sizeable enough to merit its own ticket! but im looking forward to doing something different. Bye for now x

The plans of God

2006-05-16T11:19:00.000+01:00

11.20am and i'm still in my pj's - this has the potential to be a very good day. Having no shifts at the shop, all i plan to do is go for a walk, return some library books, and watch "Lost" tonight. Bliss! i love days like this once in a while. Ok, if i had them every day i'd go insane, but from time to time, doing nothing is just about the best thing ever. Before i forget, the library books...three innocent looking texts that, being from a public library, looked likely to start me on the path of learning Russian before uni for free. But oh no no! Being myself, i lost them - so not only have i failed to learn ANY russian (on account of them being down the back of a chest of drawers for nearly the entirety of the month that they were in my possession) but i've also acquired a £10 fine from the library and am regarded as a wanted woman by librarians in lands everywhere. Sob.

Anyway, to get on to the point of today. Yesterday you heard about tim and alan, well today it's time to at least mention two other very important people in my life; anna and mike, the unlucky pair who had to put up with me in kosova for seven months. And although it's now a year since we returned to the UK, we remain the closest of friends. Anna is now studying (haha) speech therapy at Sheffield, which is actually the first thing i ever found out about her - within seconds of meeting for training for Kosova we'd discovered we both had deferred places to study on the same course at the same university, a pretty mind blowing fact considering there were only about thirty people in the entire country who were going to be doing so. We'd never met before, but all of a sudden not only were we going to be spending the next eight months on a gap year together, but also apparently the four years after...it was one of those "God moments", and such a INCREDIBLE confirmation to us both that we were in the right place. I love it when God does that. However .... while i was in kosova (and i hasten to add this was nothing to do with anna!) i had increasingly little peace about speech therapy and sheffield, and eventually after searching my own heart and God's for many months pulled out of the course, leaving anna to go it alone. It was one of the toughest decisions i've ever made in my life - i couldnt understand WHY God would put us on the same gap year and the same course if i was supposed to pull out. But it got to the point where i knew i just had to decline my place, even though i didnt really understand why, or what was going to happen to me. And it's only been in recent months, nearly a year on, that i've really understood what God was doing - He was testing me to see if i'd follow Him, no matter what. Within weeks of arriving in kosova, Anna had become the closest friend i'd ever had, and i was so excited about going to university with her - accepting that i wouldnt be was the hardest thing i had to overcome in deciding to give up on sheffield. So I now believe that God put us on the same course in Sheffield so he could see if I would follow Him when He told me to get off it again! I know it doesnt make much sense, but i really believe that. And the amazing thing is, once that decision was made, God blessed me so abundantly - me and Alan got engaged, and I got a place to study at Glasgow for this autumn which means we can now get married in 2007! And there's still more - although having to take a second gap year (i dropped out of speech therapy too late to get into anything else for a 2005 start) was a massive disappointment at the time and has been tough throughout, I can now see that EVEN THIS was God's perfect plan for me - i was a wreck when i came home from kosova, and i kid you not when i say i don't know if i'd be here if God hadn't had me at home this year where he could do so much work in my life. It's only been in the last couple of weeks that all of this has finally clicked into place, and it has been by no means an easy ride - but i can now see how God had me in his hand all along, even when i was blind.
Oh drat, i got totally side tracked from anna! where do i start - she's lovely, she's the better version of me, she's going to be my maid of honour :D She's the one i go to for wisdom and advice, whether that's "should i wear these shoes with that top?" or "how do we go about starting a revolution for God?". The only fault i can find with her is that she doesnt like beans. Currently (after an exciting game of british bulldog) she has a cast from the end of her fingers to her elbow. Please pray she'll be healed before her exams!

And then there's mike - where do i start. Mike was a god-send on those -28 degree mornings in Kosova, when he'd turn up at our flat, light a wood fire, make me coffee, and kick me out of bed in time for wherever we were supposed to be going, regardless of how much abuse i threw his way. He's now studying medicine (ooooh!) at brighton, and takes great delight in recounting all his gory experiences with me. I have mike to thank for many things, but the main one that springs to mind is his diagnosis of alan's appendicitus in january and insistence that he went straight to a hospital - thank you mike! I love mike like a brother, and miss him very much.

well, that was waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. Im now off to get up at nearly 1pm. How to make myself unpopular, huh? :P x

men

2006-05-15T15:16:00.000+01:00

Today i thought i'd tell you about alan and tim, my fiance and brother, very definitely not to be confused (although some people say there are similarities, and have even gone so far as to bandy the name of Freud in my face; i disagree). So what if their childhood's both revolved around dinosaurs, pogs and pokemon?Who cares that they both graduated onto monty python, fawlty towers and the Simpsons at exactly the same time? And as for them being currently of a similar build and sharing a hairstyle, it's merely a concidence....really, it is....OH MY GOODNESS! :P

This photograph shows the pair of them at their worst; i don't know who is the bad influence - Tim, who at 15 often makes alan regress by five years from his newly achieved twenty, or alan, who, lets face it, needs no encouraging whatsoever. There's been more than one occasion where the three of us have been out with my parents and people have thought they were brothers and i was the girlfriend. Not to mention the fact that tim will side with alan every time these days if it's a choice between him and me..... I've been ousted, that's what's happened. Whatever happened to sibling loyalty??!!

Anyway, despite my grievances, i love the pair of them more than i can express, and wouldnt change them for anything. I'm writing about them because they're on my mind...alan went back to college (Glasgow) this morning after five days at home, and i won't see him again until a week on friday when he's coming to London with me, mum, dad and Tim for a family wedding. It's only ten days, but I'll miss him so much - when you want to be with someone all the time, even an hour apart feels too long. I have to keep reminding myself that we were once apart for eight months, and this is nothing in comparison. And also that in a few weeks this "weekend here weekend there" existence we've been living since he started college in september will be over for ever.

And as for tim - well we had a crazy day today. We'd arranged to meet in town for lunch, cos he's on his first day of year 10 work experience, and i was going to still be around after dropping alan off at central station. So we met up, and it was great. But just when we were saying goodbye, he nearly collapsed - he has low blood pressure, and this happens sometimes, though ive never really gotten used to it, and still manage to miss the tell-tale signs. So i had to ring his work experience and explain he wasnt coming back, and then get him home on the bus - not that easy, him being 1) nearly incapable of putting one foot in front of the other at this point in time, and 2) easily a head bigger than me. But we're home now, and he's gonna be ok.

well, i should go do something useful like wash-up. What an exciting life i lead.

The new obsession of Sarah.

2006-05-14T19:24:00.000+01:00

Well, i'm quite convinced that this, my very first post, marks the beginning of the end; after having resisted blogging for a whole two years, i've finally given in. The individual i hold ultimately responsible for the creation of what will undoubtedly become my new obsession is my long-time friend Suzi-Q Johnson - it was after reading her blog yesterday that i felt inspired to start my own. And still can't believe that i have....after a multi-month long campaign against blogs in general and alan's in particular (oh i love to tease him), based upon the argument that they are egotistical, conceited, a waste of time and boring, creating a brand new blog for my own personal out-pourings does seem just a little contrived. But what can i say, people change. Oh, on the note of change, and before i blind people with boredom by continuing to explain how my blog began - i was totally blown away in worship this morning at my church, Whitley Bay Christian Fellowship. We were singing the song "I surrender all", the first two lines of which are this;

"All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give"

Whenever i've sung this song before, it's always been with the mindset that the "all" i was resolving to surrender to Jesus was everything my human, sinful nature wanted to do, but shouldn't. Which is great. But the way the song hit me today was so much more personal. I realised it was about surrendering the things i don't want too. See, my biggest struggle in my relationship with Jesus is accepting that He loves me even though I'm a screw up, a failure, a betrayer - i'm a fantastic hoarder of guilt. And because i'm in a battle every day to forgive myself, to love myself, i find it nearly impossible to accept that God can forgive me, that God loves me. Which creates a massive abyss between us; I push God and His love away, even though it's both what i desire most, and what He desires to give me most.

Anyway, the song. The reason i was blown away was that as i was singing it, i realised like i've said that the "all" i need to surrender to Jesus isnt just the unchrist-like things in my life, like being selfish, lustful etc - it's also the guilt and pain that keeps me from Him. It might not sound like much, but it was a massive step for me. And I consciously decided this morning to give my guilt to God, to surrender it to Him, to accept His love for me and believe what HE says about me, not what anyone else or even myself says. If i believe Jesus paid the full price for my sin by dying on the cross (which, incase it needs to be said, i do), then i can't hang onto my guilt after i've asked for His forgiveness - my grandma used to say it was like throwing all of the hurt and guilt into a pond that has a sign saying "no fishing" by it. Another song which i listened to later while walking home from church (on a totally uncool cd player, as opposed to whatever gadget i should have by now) also fits with all of this - similarly to the song from church, it's called "Surrender";

"I am seeking true identity,
in the light of your presence,
I am longing to see how you see me.
In the time you have given me,
Release the strength to follow,
And the grace to be who you say i am"

I KNOW God is working in me to renew me and bring me closer to Him - especially as, ironically, i'm His biggest obstacle in that process. So let me finish this first post, which has transmogrified into a massive and ugly rant, with this; Whoever you are, whatever you feel, wherever you are coming from, whatever you have done, whatever has been done to you, there is NOTHING God cannot forgive, heal and restore. Of this fact my life has been, is, and will continue to be, proof.