The new obsession of Sarah.

Well, i'm quite convinced that this, my very first post, marks the beginning of the end; after having resisted blogging for a whole two years, i've finally given in. The individual i hold ultimately responsible for the creation of what will undoubtedly become my new obsession is my long-time friend Suzi-Q Johnson - it was after reading her blog yesterday that i felt inspired to start my own. And still can't believe that i have....after a multi-month long campaign against blogs in general and alan's in particular (oh i love to tease him), based upon the argument that they are egotistical, conceited, a waste of time and boring, creating a brand new blog for my own personal out-pourings does seem just a little contrived. But what can i say, people change. Oh, on the note of change, and before i blind people with boredom by continuing to explain how my blog began - i was totally blown away in worship this morning at my church, Whitley Bay Christian Fellowship. We were singing the song "I surrender all", the first two lines of which are this;

"All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give"

Whenever i've sung this song before, it's always been with the mindset that the "all" i was resolving to surrender to Jesus was everything my human, sinful nature wanted to do, but shouldn't. Which is great. But the way the song hit me today was so much more personal. I realised it was about surrendering the things i don't want too. See, my biggest struggle in my relationship with Jesus is accepting that He loves me even though I'm a screw up, a failure, a betrayer - i'm a fantastic hoarder of guilt. And because i'm in a battle every day to forgive myself, to love myself, i find it nearly impossible to accept that God can forgive me, that God loves me. Which creates a massive abyss between us; I push God and His love away, even though it's both what i desire most, and what He desires to give me most.

Anyway, the song. The reason i was blown away was that as i was singing it, i realised like i've said that the "all" i need to surrender to Jesus isnt just the unchrist-like things in my life, like being selfish, lustful etc - it's also the guilt and pain that keeps me from Him. It might not sound like much, but it was a massive step for me. And I consciously decided this morning to give my guilt to God, to surrender it to Him, to accept His love for me and believe what HE says about me, not what anyone else or even myself says. If i believe Jesus paid the full price for my sin by dying on the cross (which, incase it needs to be said, i do), then i can't hang onto my guilt after i've asked for His forgiveness - my grandma used to say it was like throwing all of the hurt and guilt into a pond that has a sign saying "no fishing" by it. Another song which i listened to later while walking home from church (on a totally uncool cd player, as opposed to whatever gadget i should have by now) also fits with all of this - similarly to the song from church, it's called "Surrender";

"I am seeking true identity,
in the light of your presence,
I am longing to see how you see me.
In the time you have given me,
Release the strength to follow,
And the grace to be who you say i am"

I KNOW God is working in me to renew me and bring me closer to Him - especially as, ironically, i'm His biggest obstacle in that process. So let me finish this first post, which has transmogrified into a massive and ugly rant, with this; Whoever you are, whatever you feel, wherever you are coming from, whatever you have done, whatever has been done to you, there is NOTHING God cannot forgive, heal and restore. Of this fact my life has been, is, and will continue to be, proof.