prayer

Over recent weeks in general and today in particular, prayer has been very much at the forefront of my mind. This started at the beginning of the month, when anna told me she and her friends in sheffield have recently re-committed themselves to intercessing in a big way. So yeah - since then ive been thinking about how, what, when, where and why i pray. This is what i realised;

1) i dont give enough time to praying - maybe fifteen minutes a day + then a few arrow prayers

2) i pray at bad times, like last thing at night when im tired

3) when i pray i dont praise God enough, i just ask and then stop

4) when i pray i talk far more than i listen

5) i sometimes pray just to appease my guilt about not having prayed

In comparison, this is what i realised about my time with alan;

1) when he's at college, we talk on the phone for at least an hour every day, and we email, text and write letters. When he's at home we spend the majority of our time together.

2) i dont leave spending time with him till the end of the day when im at my worst.

3) we dont just communicate to pass on demands - on the contrary, most of our conversation is about our love and our future

4) it's two way - we both talk and we both listen.

5) it's never a chore to spend time with him.

By this point i was horrified - not only (as if this wasnt bad enough) that my relationship with God can now at best be described as second place to my relationship with most obviously alan, but also with other friends, but also that it had taken me so long to realise this. Ive known as long as i can remember that Jesus should be my first love, but He evidently isnt.

Now feeling very discouraged, i decided to focus not on my failings, but on what prayer SHOULD be. And i came to the conclusion that it's a combination of praising God for who He is and what He has done, and asking for help - whether that's guidance, forgiveness, or whatever. The two go hand in hand, in the same way they do in any relationship. So then i tried to work out WHY i was finding this so hard - Why am i happy to spend all day with alan but find it hard to give God fifteen minutes? Why do i give God the worst part of my day, where it doesnt involve any sacrifice? Why are my prayers clinical demands and not out-pourings of love? why do i say my bit and then get up and go without waiting for an answer? why is it sometimes only out of duty that i pray at all? And I came to the conclusion that there are two main reasons my prayer-life has been dying a death - they are;

1. I've practically cut the praise out of my prayers, and

2. When it comes to asking God for help, i don't actually pray in faith that He'll answer

Which means that neither aspect of my prayers is on track. And it's a vicious circle - i don't believe God will answer my prayers, so i find it hard to praise him and invest time praying. But then it's BECAUSE i don't praise and don't invest time in praying that my prayers arent answered!

SO - where do i go from here? above anything else, i have resolved to start praising God more. A lot more. And im going to (here's a surprise!) - PRAY - that He'll give me a passion for His name. I need to work on my love relationship with God before i start asking Him for things.

Having said all that, God is still faithful even when i am not, and just in the last few days when i've been realising these things and trying to change i've seen prayers start to be answered. I've been praying that suzanne would get a temporary job with as many hours as possible for the next 2months so she can earn money for colombia, and today she did! and even MORE excitingly (sorry suz! :P) God is doing AMAZING things at my work - i've had fantastic conversations with both my boss, stu, (a self-confessed "cynic of all religion") and another guy i work with, steven, (ex-catholic, "i'm searching") this week. I've been able to talk about jesus with both of them, and i'm going to invite steven to church sometime next week.

This is what i read today about prayer;

"God does not ignore our prayers" pslam 9:12

"Our prayers bring us into God's presence" Psalm 145:18

"God honors persistent prayer" matthew 7:7

For so long i've wanted more of God's presence in my life - why has it taken me so long to realise that the answer is simple? if i want to be in God's presence i need to take time out to spend with Him in prayer. And how can i expect God to take me seriously if i pray about something once for five minutes and then give up? If i want prayers answered i have to be prepared to cry out for answers for as long as it takes.

to close, i read this today in ephesians 1:19

"i pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of his power for us who believe in Him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead"

If this is the power that can be released through us when we pray, count me in!