Self-image

im currently wrapped up in my duvet and sitting at the computer feeling lousy. The reason for this melodramatic behaviour is that today was the fourth occasion on which i unsuccessfully trawled the shops of newcastle for something to wear to my aunty's wedding, now exactly one week away. And, as usual, the whole experience has thrown me into a state of misery! i've never been a dressy-up kind of girl, partly cos i've always spent money on other things, but mainly cos i have the self-confidence of a shrew and like to hide away in jeans and jumpers. I've always wanted to wear other things, but i hate the way i look in them, so hoody's have been my lot for many a year. Anyway - having heard that, you can probably understand how when it comes to having to wear (as a family wedding negates) a dress or some such other equivalent, i don't exactly rejoice. The day was spent trudging from shop to shop, trying on more and more outfits that made me feel ugly and unattractive to the point of nearly crying in starbucks - yep, that bad!

And now im home, still feeling rubbish, and wondering why i'm writing this on a blog for the whole world to read, because it's part of me i don't usually share with anyone, let alone whoever cares to follow a link. But somehow it's theraputic to write, because otherwise these things just stay inside - and anyway, it's not like i'm talking to anyone, is it?

I realised today (while on the shopping trip from hell) that i've felt like this since i was 13 years old, and i'm twenty next month. I always thought it was something i would grow out of back then - that some day all the things that made me feel ugly would change. But although seven years on i've got better at dealing with it, the feelings are just as raw inside, and there's not a day goes by when at one point or another i dont wish i was someone else.To those of you who are reading this and thinking "get a grip, be thankful for all you have" - i know. I am so aware of how blessed i am - i have two arms and two legs, i have perfect vision and hearing, i have no disabilities, i'm not sick. And when i look around me and around the world at people who live in real pain and real suffering, i feel so guilty that i feel how i do - someone once said that poor self-esteem is a complaint of only the world's most fortunate. But nevertheless, the insecurity i feel is both very real and crippling. And the scary thing is, i know so many other people - girls more than guys, though i'm not saying guys cant suffer from low self-esteem - who feel the same.

I wonder where it started? people often blame the media for creating these feelings of inadequacy, and i understand why - you cant turn on the television without seeing beautiful people, turn on the radio without hearing adverts for cosmetic surgery, walk through a shop without seeing stick-thin manequins, open a magazine without seeing pictures of unfortunate celebrities who've been snapped taking a swim and had their cellulite ringed in red pen, or watch a film without being told that it's the people with perfect bodies who are happy.And then there's the age old human habit of comparing ourselves to the people around us - i freely confess that i often look at people and think, "if i was them i'd feel great about myself, they have no idea how lucky they are and what its like to feel this horrible". But really, how do i know how they feel inside? i remember being totally shocked in high school when a girl who i had always considered to be really beautiful and thought must feel great about herself turned out to be anorexic.

Of all of this i am ashamed, and wish i could change. I've tried praying about it, and i know people always say that it's how God see's us that counts, and we're beautiful to Him, but i'm sorry to say that that isnt the world we live in. We live in a world where people DO say cruel things, where there IS pressure to be a barbie doll, where we DO laugh at people for their flaws, where people DO become anorexic, bulimic, self-harm and even sometimes take their own lives because they can't live with the feelings of inadequacy any longer. And it scares me to death. All i can do on days like today is remind myself of His love for me, and praise God for all he has given me.

Come now, Lord Jesus.