the night before...

....the wedding! (not mine!). If you read alan's blog, you will have undoubtedly heard that we're going with my mum & dad and tim to london this weekend for my aunty's wedding. We've been looking forward to it for a long time, for so many reasons - like alan said, we havent seen each other for two weeks, plus london's lush, plus it's a wedding, plus its a FAMILY wedding - and, perhaps most intriguing of all, i get to introduce alan to all the members of my family who, because of our pig-headedness in living up north, have not yet managed to meet him. Eeeeee!!!

We used to see more of them - i mean, for the ten years when i was between the ages of six and sixteen, my mum's side of the family used to go camping in herefordshire (where my mum grew up) for at least a week every summer holidays. That was, my mum's parents, mum, dad, me and tim, my mum's middle sister and her two kids, and my mum's youngest sister, who is getting married this weekend. Other people would come sometimes, but we were the ten who always went. But once me and sam (my cousin) turned 16, we stopped wanting to go, and so for the last couple of years there have been very few family reunions. So i am REALLY excited!

anyway, got to go, i'll tell you all about it when i get back :D

UK Anniversary

Today it's exactly one year since anna and mike flew home from Kosova
(i'd had to leave a month earlier). So we've now had a whole year at home in the UK, and we're still talking! I wanted to dedicate this post to them, and to the time we had together in Gjakove.

The photo on the left was taken on my last night in Kosova from outside my church, and i love it. If you look in the middle, you can see how the sunlight was hitting off the mountains in the background, just outside of the town - it was beautiful, and i miss it so much. Our friends diana, adelina and spendi and philoretta live in the houses on the right next to the yellow car, and behind the blue fence on the left is the local school where we gave out shoeboxes one time. Obviously the three people on the right are mike, me and anna, that shot was taken by a river which had frozen over during the -28 spell on our way back from a village called Krushe e Madhe, probably in february (2005).

I thought i'd write a lot more, but i'm feeling all choked up, I just read back on my diaries from Kosova, which i haven't done in months. Sometimes i want to burn them because of the pain that they can bring, it leaps out of the pages like a wound opening up - but i cant, because there are also some amazing things written there, which i would not lose. My experiences in Kosova are part of me now, the good and the bad. But i guess that today, if anything, is about remembering that a whole year has gone by since any of us were there, and that the future is now.

Battle of the blogs!

When i left for work a few hours ago i said i might add more later, so on one hand i'm not surprised to be back here. However, thanks to alan's comment on my post, i'm now about to veer violently away from what i originally intended to write, and become involved in what can only be described as a battle of the blogs! for those of you who are caught in the cross-fire, all i can do is apologise and explain that i havent seen him to debate any thing for the last ten days, so we're getting a little competitive. Red means an alan comment;

I don't believe that God would put the fate of a person (or any matter which we would pray about) into the hands of humans
I agree with that, of course God doesnt rely on us to get our prayers right for people to live or die, or for wars to cease or anything else you can think of. He doesnt need us at all, He only chooses to let us be involved in His plan. This is was mentioned at our church on sunday, when Stan commented on the feeding of the five thousand. He said people always get hung up on the fact that Jesus fed so many people with the very little that the boy gave him - but what we should be excited about is the fact that he could have done it without anything it all. However.....

I don't think anything happens because we prayed XYZ amount for it, but only that Almighty God saw fit to bless a certain situation.
I agree that it is always because of God's blessing and grace that any prayer is answered. But i disagree that "nothing happens because we prayed XYZ amount for it". Of course Im not arguing that if we pray a set number of prayers God will sigh and go "ok then, have it your way" - that would be both crass and ridiculous, making God out to be some kind of machine. But i do believe that things CAN happen "because we prayed XYZ amount for it". In short, I believe our prayers can change the heart of God - and oh no, i've just had a horrible premonition that we're going to get into predestination and the will of God and that excruciating bucket of fish - i can see what tomorrow's post will be on! i think i should stop trying to write interesting and provoking posts and just concentrate on informing you all what i had for tea! But to carry on while i still can - there is plenty of evidence in the bible that our prayers can change God's heart. We are not only told "God honors persistence in prayer" in Matthew 7, and that "the earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results" in james 5, but actually given examples of where this happened; in Genesis 18, when Abraham interceded over and over again for Sodom, it says that God didn't destroy the city as He had said He would, and in Exodus 32 it's written that because of Moses praying for Israel, "the LORD relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened". So don't tell me that our prayers can't move the heart of God! Yes, it's God's grace and blessing, we cant earn it or force His hand, but i believe that when we persistently come to Him and say "Lord, you are the only one who can change this, we trust you, we love you, we want to see you glorified, please don't let this happen", God will sometimes choose to move because of that.

I believe God can and will heal a person of cancer. I believe it is right to pray for that person to be healed of cancer. I don't think the two are linked though.
I guess you're saying the reason it is "right" to pray about such things is not so we will get the answer we want, but so we will be drawn closer to God, and therefore begin to see HIS will and not our own for the situation? of course i agree that that is a major part of prayer - that more often than not it IS us and not the situation that is changed when we pray, and it is in that way that God does answer - ie, He uses our prayers to bring us to Himself, to know Him more, so that we will gain strength in Him and be able to face the "no" that sometimes comes. BUT - like i've said, i believe that our prayers CAN bring about changes that are beyond just growth in us - believing that that is all prayer "does" is not enough for me (sorry to sound so grasping there, i hope you get me). There are millions of examples in the new testament where people prayed and God moved, what about paul - he prayed over and over for the young churches in a way that shows he obviously expected more than just his own heart to be changed (colossians 1: "since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding"). If it wasnt possible that our prayers could move God to answer, surely we could just praise and worship, because that would bring us closer to God in the way you seem to be saying asking Him for help does, and then we could just quit with the asking.

God must be given all glory in our prayers, and we must never fall into the trap of thinking that because we utter a few words of prayer that we possess God's power to heal
the fact that the glory isnt ours if someone we prayed for gets healed doesnt invalidate the idea that our prayers can touch God's heart (like we saw they did with moses and abraham). Of course the glory is God's! but i dont think that means we have to go around saying "our prayers have no power, they dont have any effect in the heavens". I think it is possible to aknowledge that by prayer we can move God to act without detracting any glory from Him. I do not claim that my prayers can manipulate God, or that i can control Him, but i can praise Him that when i cry to Him, his love, mercy and compassion can be stirred, and He can move to answer me - surely that gives even MORE glory to God, because it recognises him as more than a cold and immoveable deity? If anyone worries that by saying prayers can move God they make Him look weaker, well look at the whole of the message of Christ - he became weak and human and died that we could be reconciled God. The message of our God is not that He is untouchable.

However! having said all that, i want to finish by saying this. As much as i believe that our prayers can move God's heart and that He can act because of it, i do not believe that His compassion for us ever overrides His purpose or His justice. God's love can have a broader, deeper, longer work to do than we can always see when we pray, and sometimes what we pray for simply cannot find a place within that work. That is why we have to pray "thy will be done", as jesus did in the garden.

So to end; this morning i asked the question, "how do we pray "thy will be done" but also totally believe that the prayer will be answered?", which is what promtped all of this. I can now say that i dont think praying "thy will be done" means i need to have any less faith in God to answer my prayer. It just means that whatever happens with that specific prayer - whether i get the answer i want or not - i am putting my faith in who it belongs.

Having faith in the answers

Like i said yesterday, i've been thinking about prayer again. If you read my post from last week, you'll know that i realised two things on friday - 1) i dont praise God enough in my prayers, and 2) it's rare that I have the faith He will answer me when i ask for help - kind of vital parts of prayer! Anyway, given that i quickly went to work on thanking God more for just who He is, by monday my thoughts were hovering around the second issue, for me the harder of the two, which i think can be described as "having faith in the answers".

Sitting in work yesterday, it struck me that i think there are a three of possible mindsets when people - Christians - pray for help from God (ok, im generalising, but go with me).Christians pray because;

1. it's a habitual reflex to problems in life and not because they believe God will answer in any way.
2. they believe God can & does answer prayer - but don't neccessarily believe that will apply to them.
3. they believe God answers prayer and pray knowing He will answer them.

When i look at those possibilities, i feel uncomfortable, because i really dont know where i 'd put myself - or maybe i do know, but just dont want to admit it. As far as the first option goes, that is, praying without expecting God to answer - well that's pointless! it's the same as a non-christian praying, surely. It says in the bible (though once again im showing myself up by not knowing where) that we need to have faith if our prayers are to be answered.

But it is really between the 2nd and 3rd possibilities that i get very stuck, mainly because i get tangled between "the will of God" and "having faith". You see, this is my thinking; if, as in the 2nd scenario i explained above, a christian prays really believing that God DOES answer prayers, but not really convinced that He will answer THEIR prayer, then will God actually answer them? If we decide no, He wouldnt (here's me guessing the mind of God), then that would argue that we need to have absolute faith when we pray, and not doubt that God might not answer us. BUT - when i look at the third scenario, which is that we do pray like that - in "absolute faith" that God will answer our prayer - i cant help but feel that that does not fit with praying in accordance to God's will (which, like praying in faith, is also biblical), because it's nearly like we are trying to tell God what will happen and refusing to accept He may not answer how we are asking Him to.

Did anyone come out of there having a clue what i was talking about? I suppose my question is, how do we pray in line with God's will but also totally believe that the prayer will be answered? For example - imagine someone comes to you and says they want you to pray they will be healed from cancer. My first instinct would be "oh no ,run", im afraid, which probably gives you an insight into which category i stand in - man, i want to have so much more faith!!!!! But anyway - this person comes to you asking you to pray they'll be healed. And you believe that if they are going to be healed, you have to have absolute faith that God will heal them. But at the same time, you know that it may not be God's will, plan, whatever, for that person to be healed - so how can you pray in absolute faith that they WILL be???!!!!! my mind is tying itself in knots. The only conclusion i can come to is that we have to have absolute faith in God's ability to answer, and absolute trust in His will - and, the hardest part of all, to not doubt his ability if He doesnt answer as we want.

Oh man, i'm so annoyed, i have to go to work! that sucks, cos i want to write so much more. I might add later. Any answers or thoughts are welcome :)

psalm 34

After a very emotional weekend i feel like my feet are, once again, nearly on the ground. Isn't it amazing how many emotions we are capable of as humans? I was quite annoyed that i got so down on saturday, cos i felt like i was taking a step backwards from all the good stuff that had been happening towards the end of the week with regards to me and prayer. But yesterday and today i've been back on the right track again, and i've continued working at it - though i'd be a fool and a liar to try and convince you that i was totally reformed, i can say that already just taking out the time in my day to praise God more has made such a difference to my relationship with Him. Alright, so i didnt manage it on saturday, and i guess thats the challenge - to praise God even when i feel like something thats been scraped off the pavement. But reading psalm 34 yesterday in work i was like WOW! this is what i read;

"i will praise the Lord at all times, I will constantly speak His praises. I will boast only in the Lord. let all those who are discouraged take heart...i prayed to the Lord and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to Him will be radiant with joy, no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord and in my suffering and He heard me......taste and see that the Lord is good - oh the joys of those who trust in Him! Let the lord's people show him reverence for those who honour him will have all they need"

It was like that psalm was my own, like they were my words. And i couldnt stop praising God! i was praying and praying that a customer wouldnt come in, cos if they had i would have probably freaked them out no end - can you imagine, "that'll be £ 9.90 please, PRAISE YOU LORD!!!". Anyway! i carried on reading my bible (if only "Thresher" knew that this is what they pay me £5.10/hr to do...) and now i have a load more thoughts on prayer which i'll be posting tomorrow. But for now, i have to go to bed, i'm tired out, been working too much. Last day in tomorrow, then i've got four days off for the wedding - magic. And alan's nearly home!

rock-a-bye baby....

Tonight as i get ready to go out to work, i am struck by how easy life was when i was small. And yes, before i go on, that rather fabulous looking infant in blue, is infact me. I used to think it was tim, but i've been corrected! (i wish they'd left me in the dark..).

When we were small, by which i mean at least under five, there was nothing that someone couldnt put a plaster on and cuddle away. When i've voiced these occasional yearnings to return to pre-school age in the past, people have always given me lectures on the wonders of independence, "adult" life, and belittled those days when the loss of a favourite blanket was just about the worst thing that could happen to you. And i suppose they are right - there ARE things about being a grown-up (hang on, who am i kidding, i'm still fiercely hanging onto my teenage status for another month) that way out-do being a toddler. But today at church, i felt like i was breaking my heart, and just wanted to be held by someone. You know when people hold tiny screaming children and do that funny slowly-moving-from-one-foot-to-the-other dance while saying meaningless comforting phrases like "it's alright, it's alright, don't cry,don't cry"? well that's what i wanted today.

Self-image

im currently wrapped up in my duvet and sitting at the computer feeling lousy. The reason for this melodramatic behaviour is that today was the fourth occasion on which i unsuccessfully trawled the shops of newcastle for something to wear to my aunty's wedding, now exactly one week away. And, as usual, the whole experience has thrown me into a state of misery! i've never been a dressy-up kind of girl, partly cos i've always spent money on other things, but mainly cos i have the self-confidence of a shrew and like to hide away in jeans and jumpers. I've always wanted to wear other things, but i hate the way i look in them, so hoody's have been my lot for many a year. Anyway - having heard that, you can probably understand how when it comes to having to wear (as a family wedding negates) a dress or some such other equivalent, i don't exactly rejoice. The day was spent trudging from shop to shop, trying on more and more outfits that made me feel ugly and unattractive to the point of nearly crying in starbucks - yep, that bad!

And now im home, still feeling rubbish, and wondering why i'm writing this on a blog for the whole world to read, because it's part of me i don't usually share with anyone, let alone whoever cares to follow a link. But somehow it's theraputic to write, because otherwise these things just stay inside - and anyway, it's not like i'm talking to anyone, is it?

I realised today (while on the shopping trip from hell) that i've felt like this since i was 13 years old, and i'm twenty next month. I always thought it was something i would grow out of back then - that some day all the things that made me feel ugly would change. But although seven years on i've got better at dealing with it, the feelings are just as raw inside, and there's not a day goes by when at one point or another i dont wish i was someone else.To those of you who are reading this and thinking "get a grip, be thankful for all you have" - i know. I am so aware of how blessed i am - i have two arms and two legs, i have perfect vision and hearing, i have no disabilities, i'm not sick. And when i look around me and around the world at people who live in real pain and real suffering, i feel so guilty that i feel how i do - someone once said that poor self-esteem is a complaint of only the world's most fortunate. But nevertheless, the insecurity i feel is both very real and crippling. And the scary thing is, i know so many other people - girls more than guys, though i'm not saying guys cant suffer from low self-esteem - who feel the same.

I wonder where it started? people often blame the media for creating these feelings of inadequacy, and i understand why - you cant turn on the television without seeing beautiful people, turn on the radio without hearing adverts for cosmetic surgery, walk through a shop without seeing stick-thin manequins, open a magazine without seeing pictures of unfortunate celebrities who've been snapped taking a swim and had their cellulite ringed in red pen, or watch a film without being told that it's the people with perfect bodies who are happy.And then there's the age old human habit of comparing ourselves to the people around us - i freely confess that i often look at people and think, "if i was them i'd feel great about myself, they have no idea how lucky they are and what its like to feel this horrible". But really, how do i know how they feel inside? i remember being totally shocked in high school when a girl who i had always considered to be really beautiful and thought must feel great about herself turned out to be anorexic.

Of all of this i am ashamed, and wish i could change. I've tried praying about it, and i know people always say that it's how God see's us that counts, and we're beautiful to Him, but i'm sorry to say that that isnt the world we live in. We live in a world where people DO say cruel things, where there IS pressure to be a barbie doll, where we DO laugh at people for their flaws, where people DO become anorexic, bulimic, self-harm and even sometimes take their own lives because they can't live with the feelings of inadequacy any longer. And it scares me to death. All i can do on days like today is remind myself of His love for me, and praise God for all he has given me.

Come now, Lord Jesus.

prayer

Over recent weeks in general and today in particular, prayer has been very much at the forefront of my mind. This started at the beginning of the month, when anna told me she and her friends in sheffield have recently re-committed themselves to intercessing in a big way. So yeah - since then ive been thinking about how, what, when, where and why i pray. This is what i realised;

1) i dont give enough time to praying - maybe fifteen minutes a day + then a few arrow prayers

2) i pray at bad times, like last thing at night when im tired

3) when i pray i dont praise God enough, i just ask and then stop

4) when i pray i talk far more than i listen

5) i sometimes pray just to appease my guilt about not having prayed

In comparison, this is what i realised about my time with alan;

1) when he's at college, we talk on the phone for at least an hour every day, and we email, text and write letters. When he's at home we spend the majority of our time together.

2) i dont leave spending time with him till the end of the day when im at my worst.

3) we dont just communicate to pass on demands - on the contrary, most of our conversation is about our love and our future

4) it's two way - we both talk and we both listen.

5) it's never a chore to spend time with him.

By this point i was horrified - not only (as if this wasnt bad enough) that my relationship with God can now at best be described as second place to my relationship with most obviously alan, but also with other friends, but also that it had taken me so long to realise this. Ive known as long as i can remember that Jesus should be my first love, but He evidently isnt.

Now feeling very discouraged, i decided to focus not on my failings, but on what prayer SHOULD be. And i came to the conclusion that it's a combination of praising God for who He is and what He has done, and asking for help - whether that's guidance, forgiveness, or whatever. The two go hand in hand, in the same way they do in any relationship. So then i tried to work out WHY i was finding this so hard - Why am i happy to spend all day with alan but find it hard to give God fifteen minutes? Why do i give God the worst part of my day, where it doesnt involve any sacrifice? Why are my prayers clinical demands and not out-pourings of love? why do i say my bit and then get up and go without waiting for an answer? why is it sometimes only out of duty that i pray at all? And I came to the conclusion that there are two main reasons my prayer-life has been dying a death - they are;

1. I've practically cut the praise out of my prayers, and

2. When it comes to asking God for help, i don't actually pray in faith that He'll answer

Which means that neither aspect of my prayers is on track. And it's a vicious circle - i don't believe God will answer my prayers, so i find it hard to praise him and invest time praying. But then it's BECAUSE i don't praise and don't invest time in praying that my prayers arent answered!

SO - where do i go from here? above anything else, i have resolved to start praising God more. A lot more. And im going to (here's a surprise!) - PRAY - that He'll give me a passion for His name. I need to work on my love relationship with God before i start asking Him for things.

Having said all that, God is still faithful even when i am not, and just in the last few days when i've been realising these things and trying to change i've seen prayers start to be answered. I've been praying that suzanne would get a temporary job with as many hours as possible for the next 2months so she can earn money for colombia, and today she did! and even MORE excitingly (sorry suz! :P) God is doing AMAZING things at my work - i've had fantastic conversations with both my boss, stu, (a self-confessed "cynic of all religion") and another guy i work with, steven, (ex-catholic, "i'm searching") this week. I've been able to talk about jesus with both of them, and i'm going to invite steven to church sometime next week.

This is what i read today about prayer;

"God does not ignore our prayers" pslam 9:12

"Our prayers bring us into God's presence" Psalm 145:18

"God honors persistent prayer" matthew 7:7

For so long i've wanted more of God's presence in my life - why has it taken me so long to realise that the answer is simple? if i want to be in God's presence i need to take time out to spend with Him in prayer. And how can i expect God to take me seriously if i pray about something once for five minutes and then give up? If i want prayers answered i have to be prepared to cry out for answers for as long as it takes.

to close, i read this today in ephesians 1:19

"i pray that you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of his power for us who believe in Him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead"

If this is the power that can be released through us when we pray, count me in!

Domesticated bliss

Today i find myself feeling very content, quite a contrast to the emotional turmoil of yesterday. It was just one of those days, but i'm happy to say that today has been so much better! After getting up I wandered downstairs did what i usually do these days - tidied up the debris my family have left behind them as they scurry out to work and school. Which i suppose is actually just school, given that both my parents are teachers. This meant washing up, emptying the dishwasher, putting on a load of washing, hanging out the load that mum put on at 7am, and doing some ironing. And then i headed out into the garden, where i spent two hours weeding out the patio...i'm quite scared by this!! i have absolutely no prior record of being a garden freak, and have resisted any attempts made in the past to induce me into such behaviour, even when bribes have been proffered under my nose.....so why did i voluntarily don gardening gloves and grab a trowel this morning!?!? help! have i somehow mysteriously aged three decades over night? i'll blame the weather, it's beautiful today, enough to make anyone want to be in the garden.

I've just realised that in addition to being content today, i'm actually pretty content full-stop right now. I say this knowing fine well that anyone reading this who see's me regularly will take great pleasure in pointing out to me over at least the next week all those occasions when i both appear and claim to be far from content, but hey, what the heck - what i'm trying to say is, compared to so much of this last year, which has been very dark for me, i now find myself feeling so satisfied by my life - not that everything is by any means perfect, but rather i am finding out more and more that when God is the centre, i can be content no matter what is happening around me. It makes me think of Phillipians 4:12

"I have learned the secret of living in every situation....for i can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need"

By this i dont claim to be living in great physical discomfort, or in need of anything - i don't think many people reading this could. What i mean is, no matter what i'm going through emotionally or spiritually, i can find contentment in Christ. On that note, i'm going to go, because i'm spending too much time blogging and too little time praying.

Ode to alan.

hey, how're you doing? ive got hardly any time, i seem to have been rushing around like a mad thing all day long. This is partly because as Suz and jenny stayed over at mine last night i didnt get up very early, and have been trying to catch up on myself ever since. But i dont mind, cos last night was really great - we watched "lost", ate chocolate, drank wine, and then chatted until we fell asleep. Now and then it's really good to have time away from the guys... :P

...but then again its not, cos im missing alan so much! i nearly rang him at 1.30am last night, just so i could hear his voice. After a lengthy battle with myself i DID manage to resist, because 1) the girls were round, 2) he was most likely asleep and wouldnt appreciate being woken up, and 3) i need SOME self-control! but yeah, definitely struggling with him being away again. I've finally worked it out after nine months of this "now he's here, now he isnt" existence that how much i miss him when he goes back to glasgow is proportional to how long he is home for - if he's only home for a weekend, i don't let myself get used to him being here, and so cope better when he goes - but when it's nearer a week like this time, the gap left when he leaves for college drives me mad. I feel love-sick, it's terrible. Why do you people read this drivel?! go and do something healthy like eat an apple or go for a run!

Anyway, i'm off to big band now (see the link!) after a day of working at the shop and cleaning the house. This will involve lugging a tenor saxophone down my street to catch a bus five miles across town - it's sizeable enough to merit its own ticket! but im looking forward to doing something different. Bye for now x

The plans of God

11.20am and i'm still in my pj's - this has the potential to be a very good day. Having no shifts at the shop, all i plan to do is go for a walk, return some library books, and watch "Lost" tonight. Bliss! i love days like this once in a while. Ok, if i had them every day i'd go insane, but from time to time, doing nothing is just about the best thing ever. Before i forget, the library books...three innocent looking texts that, being from a public library, looked likely to start me on the path of learning Russian before uni for free. But oh no no! Being myself, i lost them - so not only have i failed to learn ANY russian (on account of them being down the back of a chest of drawers for nearly the entirety of the month that they were in my possession) but i've also acquired a £10 fine from the library and am regarded as a wanted woman by librarians in lands everywhere. Sob.



Anyway, to get on to the point of today. Yesterday you heard about tim and alan, well today it's time to at least mention two other very important people in my life; anna and mike, the unlucky pair who had to put up with me in kosova for seven months. And although it's now a year since we returned to the UK, we remain the closest of friends. Anna is now studying (haha) speech therapy at Sheffield, which is actually the first thing i ever found out about her - within seconds of meeting for training for Kosova we'd discovered we both had deferred places to study on the same course at the same university, a pretty mind blowing fact considering there were only about thirty people in the entire country who were going to be doing so. We'd never met before, but all of a sudden not only were we going to be spending the next eight months on a gap year together, but also apparently the four years after...it was one of those "God moments", and such a INCREDIBLE confirmation to us both that we were in the right place. I love it when God does that. However .... while i was in kosova (and i hasten to add this was nothing to do with anna!) i had increasingly little peace about speech therapy and sheffield, and eventually after searching my own heart and God's for many months pulled out of the course, leaving anna to go it alone. It was one of the toughest decisions i've ever made in my life - i couldnt understand WHY God would put us on the same gap year and the same course if i was supposed to pull out. But it got to the point where i knew i just had to decline my place, even though i didnt really understand why, or what was going to happen to me. And it's only been in recent months, nearly a year on, that i've really understood what God was doing - He was testing me to see if i'd follow Him, no matter what. Within weeks of arriving in kosova, Anna had become the closest friend i'd ever had, and i was so excited about going to university with her - accepting that i wouldnt be was the hardest thing i had to overcome in deciding to give up on sheffield. So I now believe that God put us on the same course in Sheffield so he could see if I would follow Him when He told me to get off it again! I know it doesnt make much sense, but i really believe that. And the amazing thing is, once that decision was made, God blessed me so abundantly - me and Alan got engaged, and I got a place to study at Glasgow for this autumn which means we can now get married in 2007! And there's still more - although having to take a second gap year (i dropped out of speech therapy too late to get into anything else for a 2005 start) was a massive disappointment at the time and has been tough throughout, I can now see that EVEN THIS was God's perfect plan for me - i was a wreck when i came home from kosova, and i kid you not when i say i don't know if i'd be here if God hadn't had me at home this year where he could do so much work in my life. It's only been in the last couple of weeks that all of this has finally clicked into place, and it has been by no means an easy ride - but i can now see how God had me in his hand all along, even when i was blind.
Oh drat, i got totally side tracked from anna! where do i start - she's lovely, she's the better version of me, she's going to be my maid of honour :D She's the one i go to for wisdom and advice, whether that's "should i wear these shoes with that top?" or "how do we go about starting a revolution for God?". The only fault i can find with her is that she doesnt like beans. Currently (after an exciting game of british bulldog) she has a cast from the end of her fingers to her elbow. Please pray she'll be healed before her exams!

And then there's mike - where do i start. Mike was a god-send on those -28 degree mornings in Kosova, when he'd turn up at our flat, light a wood fire, make me coffee, and kick me out of bed in time for wherever we were supposed to be going, regardless of how much abuse i threw his way. He's now studying medicine (ooooh!) at brighton, and takes great delight in recounting all his gory experiences with me. I have mike to thank for many things, but the main one that springs to mind is his diagnosis of alan's appendicitus in january and insistence that he went straight to a hospital - thank you mike! I love mike like a brother, and miss him very much.

well, that was waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. Im now off to get up at nearly 1pm. How to make myself unpopular, huh? :P x

men

Today i thought i'd tell you about alan and tim, my fiance and brother, very definitely not to be confused (although some people say there are similarities, and have even gone so far as to bandy the name of Freud in my face; i disagree). So what if their childhood's both revolved around dinosaurs, pogs and pokemon?Who cares that they both graduated onto monty python, fawlty towers and the Simpsons at exactly the same time? And as for them being currently of a similar build and sharing a hairstyle, it's merely a concidence....really, it is....OH MY GOODNESS! :P

This photograph shows the pair of them at their worst; i don't know who is the bad influence - Tim, who at 15 often makes alan regress by five years from his newly achieved twenty, or alan, who, lets face it, needs no encouraging whatsoever. There's been more than one occasion where the three of us have been out with my parents and people have thought they were brothers and i was the girlfriend. Not to mention the fact that tim will side with alan every time these days if it's a choice between him and me..... I've been ousted, that's what's happened. Whatever happened to sibling loyalty??!!

Anyway, despite my grievances, i love the pair of them more than i can express, and wouldnt change them for anything. I'm writing about them because they're on my mind...alan went back to college (Glasgow) this morning after five days at home, and i won't see him again until a week on friday when he's coming to London with me, mum, dad and Tim for a family wedding. It's only ten days, but I'll miss him so much - when you want to be with someone all the time, even an hour apart feels too long. I have to keep reminding myself that we were once apart for eight months, and this is nothing in comparison. And also that in a few weeks this "weekend here weekend there" existence we've been living since he started college in september will be over for ever.

And as for tim - well we had a crazy day today. We'd arranged to meet in town for lunch, cos he's on his first day of year 10 work experience, and i was going to still be around after dropping alan off at central station. So we met up, and it was great. But just when we were saying goodbye, he nearly collapsed - he has low blood pressure, and this happens sometimes, though ive never really gotten used to it, and still manage to miss the tell-tale signs. So i had to ring his work experience and explain he wasnt coming back, and then get him home on the bus - not that easy, him being 1) nearly incapable of putting one foot in front of the other at this point in time, and 2) easily a head bigger than me. But we're home now, and he's gonna be ok.

well, i should go do something useful like wash-up. What an exciting life i lead.

The new obsession of Sarah.

Well, i'm quite convinced that this, my very first post, marks the beginning of the end; after having resisted blogging for a whole two years, i've finally given in. The individual i hold ultimately responsible for the creation of what will undoubtedly become my new obsession is my long-time friend Suzi-Q Johnson - it was after reading her blog yesterday that i felt inspired to start my own. And still can't believe that i have....after a multi-month long campaign against blogs in general and alan's in particular (oh i love to tease him), based upon the argument that they are egotistical, conceited, a waste of time and boring, creating a brand new blog for my own personal out-pourings does seem just a little contrived. But what can i say, people change. Oh, on the note of change, and before i blind people with boredom by continuing to explain how my blog began - i was totally blown away in worship this morning at my church, Whitley Bay Christian Fellowship. We were singing the song "I surrender all", the first two lines of which are this;

"All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give"

Whenever i've sung this song before, it's always been with the mindset that the "all" i was resolving to surrender to Jesus was everything my human, sinful nature wanted to do, but shouldn't. Which is great. But the way the song hit me today was so much more personal. I realised it was about surrendering the things i don't want too. See, my biggest struggle in my relationship with Jesus is accepting that He loves me even though I'm a screw up, a failure, a betrayer - i'm a fantastic hoarder of guilt. And because i'm in a battle every day to forgive myself, to love myself, i find it nearly impossible to accept that God can forgive me, that God loves me. Which creates a massive abyss between us; I push God and His love away, even though it's both what i desire most, and what He desires to give me most.

Anyway, the song. The reason i was blown away was that as i was singing it, i realised like i've said that the "all" i need to surrender to Jesus isnt just the unchrist-like things in my life, like being selfish, lustful etc - it's also the guilt and pain that keeps me from Him. It might not sound like much, but it was a massive step for me. And I consciously decided this morning to give my guilt to God, to surrender it to Him, to accept His love for me and believe what HE says about me, not what anyone else or even myself says. If i believe Jesus paid the full price for my sin by dying on the cross (which, incase it needs to be said, i do), then i can't hang onto my guilt after i've asked for His forgiveness - my grandma used to say it was like throwing all of the hurt and guilt into a pond that has a sign saying "no fishing" by it. Another song which i listened to later while walking home from church (on a totally uncool cd player, as opposed to whatever gadget i should have by now) also fits with all of this - similarly to the song from church, it's called "Surrender";

"I am seeking true identity,
in the light of your presence,
I am longing to see how you see me.
In the time you have given me,
Release the strength to follow,
And the grace to be who you say i am"

I KNOW God is working in me to renew me and bring me closer to Him - especially as, ironically, i'm His biggest obstacle in that process. So let me finish this first post, which has transmogrified into a massive and ugly rant, with this; Whoever you are, whatever you feel, wherever you are coming from, whatever you have done, whatever has been done to you, there is NOTHING God cannot forgive, heal and restore. Of this fact my life has been, is, and will continue to be, proof.